"So how's your diabetes?"

This is a question people ask me a lot. I appreciate their concern and interest in my life, but I still haven't figured out exactly how to respond. 

"Uh, like a roller coaster?"

"It depends on which minute of the day, and which day of the month."

"Well, this week, on average, over 25% of my readings were higher than my target range, and about 18% were lower, but I had some in the middle so can't complain, right?"

So for anyone who has ever really wanted the answer to that question, here's my best response:

See why it's hard to give a quick answer?   This shows about a month of blood sugars, with highs and lows just about every day.  Blood sugar is always changing, and is affected by food, insulin, stress, hormones, exercise, and lots of other things.  So look at that and you tell me--"how is my diabetes?"  :)

But cool graph, huh?

I just got a new glucometer that is a USB.  So I put a test strip in one end every time I prick my finger to check my blood sugar, and there is a cap on the other end that covers the USB connector. When I want to see neato charts and graphs of my blood sugars and try find some pattern or rhyme or reason to the craziness, I just plug in my meter and pull up all the charts.  TECHNOLOGY!!!

This is just one week at a time.  Doesn't it look like it could be a constellation?  That's what I'm going to do next time I'm star gazing--I'll chart my blood sugars in the sky.  Ha!

 

Wouldn't it be cool if we could see a graph like this for every area of our lives?  Physical fitness, spirituality, organization, focus on certain relationships, etc.  I try really hard to stay organized and I like my life to fit into compartments and feel neat and tidy, but the truth is, life is always changing and always moving!  It's pretty incredible to me how many layers of life we are able to manage all at the same time, while each element is going up and down and all around.  I'm grateful, with all those layers of ups and downs, to have an Anchor.

Ether 12:4 --"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

"Sure and steadfast."  

Even with 100's of different kinds of graphs fluctuating all around. 

I know that is possible.  I've felt it.

So, I sing with the angels:  "Glory to God in the highest!" 

John Denver, The Muppets, and Broken Organs...

So I was listening to "John Denver and the Muppets" Christmas album in the car with my kids today.  

Those songs are so fun.  

In between the verses of "Silent Night," John Denver tells the story/legend of how the song was written. He explains that on December 24, 1818 Joseph Mohr journeyed to the home of musician-schoolteacher Franz Gruber and asked him to add a melody and guitar accompaniment to his poem of Silent Night. The story goes that the church organ was broken and so they needed some other form of accompaniment in order to sing the song at Midnight Mass.  Well, Franz Gruber was able to come up with a melody and a guitar part, and later that night, they,  backed by the choir, stood in front of the main altar in St. Nicholas Church in Oberndorf, Austria, and sang "Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht!" for the first time.  

And 180 years later, it is sung in different countries and languages all around the world, as a message of love, joy, and brotherhood.  

I was thinking today about the significance of the broken organ.  What if the organ had just worked like it was "supposed to" and they had just done their usual thing that night?  Maybe that song never would have been written.  It's hard to think of Christmas without "Silent Night," isn't it?  I bet they didn't have any idea, when they were fretting about how to fix the organ, what an unimaginable impact their new song, written as a solution to their problem, would have on the world for centuries to come. 

As I pondered this, thoughts came to my mind of other broken things. Broken expectations, broken relationships, broken faith, broken health... and I wondered how we might be surprised if we could see the future impact of the way we overcome our broken things.  Whatever it is that's broken has a way of channeling us toward something else, oftentimes leading to a solution or a joy that we never could have imagined. 

So, if you feel like you have a "broken organ" right now--have faith.  Keep looking for a new way to approach your responsibilities.  You might need to think outside the box.  You might need to find a friend who can help you.  And, you might be lead to something incredible because of it.  

K, the end.  

Do You Have Room?

Tonight, I got to sing a neat song called "Do You Have Room?" as part of a church Christmas program with storytelling and music.  My song came right after a story about a little boy named Wally who played the part of the innkeeper in a Christmas pageant, and when the night of the performance came, after he turned Mary and Joseph away, he couldn't bear to see them walk away so he shouted, "Wait!! Don't go!" and said, "You can have my room."   And then I sang about having room for the Savior and choosing to be humble as a shepherd boy and wise as men of old and come and seek the light the way they did.

Great video of a great song, written by Shawna Edwards!  (not me singing, but the same song I sang tonight)




I really do love to sing.
I love the things I learn when I memorize and internalize a meaningful song, and its message simmers in my spiritual crock pot for the weeks before the performance.
I love the tangible connection I feel with the listeners, as we experience the song together and I try to transfer the meaning from my heart to theirs.
I love when I can see people cry, or nod, or smile, as the music lifts them.
I love the way I can shake hands with a stranger after a performance and feel like we are friends because of what we shared during the song. 
I love the way I feel the power of God working through me as I sing and testify of His Truth.

So in this season of giving thanks and giving gifts, I am thankful for the gift of music!

 And thankful that we got to go to California, and that we got our tree up and did a million other things over the last few days since we got home.  Unpacking, though?  Um, maybe I will do that tomorrow.  :)   I've been saying that for a few days now...

The Wedding Song...

I had a shirt in college that said:

"Music is life. The rest is just details."

Wouldn't it be great if that were still true?

Maybe I should have a shirt that says:

"Cleaning up messes is life. The rest is just details."

Ah, but there is so much joy associated with all those messes. And all that laundry. And those dishes. And potty training. :) My cute kiddos are worth all the work.  But life now is definitely different than those college days where I spent every waking hour either practicing, performing, being taught, being in class, or doing homework related to music. 

Anyway, amidst the craziness of traveling with two small children over Thanksgiving, (!!!) there were some musical adventures along the way, so I thought I would share one of them.

My brother, Zach, got married in San Diego last Saturday, and oh what a beautiful day. What a radiant couple. What a sublime experience in the temple where they were sealed together for time and all eternity. What fun to remember our wedding day and think about the things that are different and the things that are still the same. My husband and I sang a few different numbers at our reception, and my brother and sister also sang a song that Zach wrote, called "Don't Dream Too Small." Zach had interviewed Kyle before the wedding to get some good fodder for writing a song for us, and Kyle shared that our relationship was even more than he had hoped for, and said "I dreamed too small."

So in Zach's song, in the first chorus, about Kyle he says:

"I dreamed too small,
I'd have taken mountaintops 'stead of shooting for the stars
I was building my own world, and that's when boy met girl
And changed it all
I never knew till I met you,
I dreamed too small"


the 2nd chorus is about Zach realizing that he had been dreaming too small too, until seeing the two of us together,

"I dreamed too small
I was thinking mountaintops 'stead of shooting for the stars
Now I wanna build my world so that when boys meets girl
I'll be ready for it all
I never knew till the two of you
I dreamed too small."

And then the final chorus, his wedding day message to us:

"Promise me you won't dream small,
Don't stay on mountaintops when you were born for stars
They say, you're just one boy, one girl
Who cares? Go change the world!
Go on, change it all!
You start building it today,
so don't dream too small."


What a great song.  That was a neat gift to us.  So of course, as Zach's wedding approached, I wanted to write a song for HIM--but as I remembered back to that song, I realized that I wanted to say the same thing to him about shooting for the stars, as well as follow up on some of the funny things in the verses about him wondering who would sing at HIS reception and things like that.  So I ended up taking his original song, and changing some of the words so that it fit exactly for him, and then my sister and I sang it at the family wedding dinner the day before he got married.  We wanted it to be a surprise, so we didn't want to ask him for a chord chart or anything, and we didn't have any kind of a recording of it--just the words from my wedding album--so it turned into kind of a fun creative project to see how much of it I could remember (from my wedding day!) and then make up the rest however I wanted to.  It turned into "Variations on a Theme of Don't Dream Too Small."  Then, when I realized that once my sister and I met up in California we wouldn't have access to a piano until the night of the dinner, I recorded the song into my iphone as a voice memo so we could practice with it in the hotel and teach her the changes, get her ideas, and figure out harmony and stuff.  We ended up singing it for the first time together, with a piano, as the real thing. Ha!  But it was perfect.  And in the language of love called songwriting that Zach speaks so well, the gift was given and received.  I love the way music can say so much!

So someday we need to record both versions so we can have them forever and share them!
Someday.  Meanwhile, I need to unpack!

The Sheet Music Project.

Remember this song? 

It's called "True to Their Song."  It's a combination of 3 pioneer hymns: Come, Come, Ye Saints, True to the Faith, and Carry On.

Here's its life story:
I originally wrote it last year for a Stake Youth Fireside in Indianapolis, where they announced the upcoming pioneer trek the youth would be going on.  I sang and played it as a solo as part of the fireside.

This past summer, I found a BYU-Idaho communications student who was willing to video me singing and explaining the arrangement.  We put a few slides as part of the video and put it up on youtube to celebrate pioneer day!

Then, a month or so ago, a woman from Indianapolis saw the video and felt that she really wanted her Stake Youth Choir to sing it.  She contacted me and asked if I would be willing to arrange it for her choir.  I felt really good about doing it so I said yes.

Then I...
-went to sleep each night hearing in my head the possibilities of what the different voice parts would sing
-concocted the new vocal parts
-entered the piano part into my computer (using FINALE) through my keyboard
-tediously edited the piano part on my computer (which takes FOR-EV-ER)

-entered in the vocal parts, made some changes
-had my husband sing it with me and give me feedback
-made some more changes
-made about 100 mistakes trying to enter all of the lyrics, (which hopefully is a foundation I have now laid for future arrangements and won't have to make them all again)
-had my husband and good friend sing through the rough draft
-entered in dynamics, breath marks, and other particulars
-agonized over the page layout, changed things, changed them back, made a few irreversible mistakes,
-prayed hard,
-and ultimately ended up with a final draft!

Then, miraculously, I figured out how to
-make a pdf of my finale file
-upload it to my file server on my web site
-and link it to my website.

Whew!

So what that means is that you can now download and freely copy this arrangement by going to my homepage and clicking on the link.  (well, I hope so, at least.  I'm crossing my fingers that it will actually work. In fact, let me know if it doesnt.)

 Sally Deford calls notating music "a chore rather akin to cultivating your garden with a teaspoon."  I think she's right. And yet, it has been exhilarating to get this song into a medium that I can share!  I am thrilled to be heading to Indianapolis in January to hear this arrangement come to life as I direct the Indianapolis North Stake Youth Choir in singing it. 

Exciting stuff.  And yes, I'm already plotting future projects.  Now that I have the technological groundwork laid, I'm hoping it will only get easier from here! 

stay tuned for more?!...

Day #40. (Okay, #42.) The View From The Top.

(Ha!  I wrote this post in July and realized that it has been an unpublished draft this whole time.  Better late than never, right?  So this post should be dated July 27th. It is now September 21st.)

Well, Sunday was actually day #40, but I've been wanting to write up a kind of grand finale to this 40 day journey I have been on to look up and find the joy.  I'm glad I waited, because today is garbage day, and I learned something cool this morning that feels like the cherry on top of this whole experience to help me understand what I've learned.  

I woke up early and went for a walk this morning.  (My body had other ideas, so this required some serious "mind over mattress," but I felt like I should get up and go for a walk, so after a little cajoling and encouragement, my spirit was able to convince my body to get vertical and get a move on.)  To my surprise, both of my parents cars were already gone, so with sleeping kiddos I decided to just power-walk up and back the block right in front of the house.

It's Tuesday. Garbage Day.  So everyone had their garbage cans sitting on the curb.  Recycling in the blue bin, and garbage in the black one.  There were two containers paired up in front of each house.  I thought about how the garbage gets to those cans and reflected on all the sorting we all do every day.  We sort between clean and dirty, recycling and garbage, forks and knives, or blocks and cars.  And it's not very hard to tell, right?  We just take a look at the item--empty jar of applesauce--and determine what it is and therefore where it needs to go--recycling.

As I walked along beside these garbage cans (over and over!) it got me thinking, and I heard the Holy Ghost tell me in my mind,

"This is what your joy hunt has been all about."

As is typical with impressions I get, I didn't quite understand the first time.

"Huh?"

"This is what you've accomplished over the last 40 days.  You've been able to sort through all the events of this summer and sort through which actions and feelings will produce joy, and then kick the rest to the curb.  And when you get rid of all those other feelings that belong in the garbage, you have so much more room to be able to feel joy."

Oh wow!  That's a cool idea!  (I love it, I can hear the roar of the garbage truck, as we speak, going from house to house, beeping backwards and dumping.  PERFECT.)  I reflected on the events of the summer and realized that having such a clear focus on joy really has helped me to sort through all of my choices and has made it easier to just say,
"Oh, this is self-pity.  That doesn't go in the joy bin, so I have to just chuck it." 
Or  
"Oh, I know what this is.  This is anger.  That doesn't go in my joy bin, so I'm tossing it." 
What a blessing!  As I walked by the garbage cans and imagined what all the houses would look like inside if they didn't participate in the daily ritual of sorting and the weekly ritual of emptying the cans, I pictured entire rooms full of junk, and people tripping over cereal boxes, and kitchens smelling like old food, and bedrooms smelling like stinky diapers, and yuck yuck yuck.  That physical stuff is mostly obvious to us.  But what if we don't participate in the daily ritual of sorting out our choices and the weekly ritual of getting rid of the ones that don't go in the joy bin?  Well, we get bogged down with things like frustration, and fear, and hatred, and we start tripping over resentment and ingratitude, and envy and bitterness can bring a gagging aroma into our lives that makes us miserable and negatively affects everyone around us.

So I'm now thinking about the garbage truck.  There are a few conditions about the removal of your garbage, right?  It's illegal to just go chucking your stuff in some random dumpster.  You have to be signed up for the service, you have to have a certain kind of garbage can, you have to set it out at the right time, but if you do, then your garbage is permanently removed from your life.  You never have to deal with it ever again.   I felt this morning, in a surprising and delightful way, the reality of those principles for my spiritual life.  I don't need to just wish and hope that I will someday be able to get rid of negative feelings and sins.  I just need to keep sorting through daily, what things are of God and what things aren't, and then give up whatever doesn't tend toward joy.  Once I let go, God can permanently remove those things from my life. They can be gone forever in some spiritual landfill that I will never see.  As I go to church each week to take the sacrament, I can think of it as spiritually taking out the garbage.  I can take time to have sorted through the things that I have done and said and felt and thought, determine which things need to be chucked, and then ask the Lord to take them away.  I can set my sins on the curb, and He has the power to do the rest. 

As I finished my walk, I found myself asking,  

"what are some feelings I have right now that I need to throw away today?"

And of course a few things came to my mind, and the Holy Ghost helped me to recognize them for what they are, and I felt a desire to just get rid of them.  So I'm setting them out on the curb today.

 Well, I feel like I could keep writing about this for hours, (I'm imagining in my head what resentment would actually look like if we could pick it up to sort it--would it be slimy and drippy so we'd hold it with just two fingers, or would it be heavy and awkward, so we have to drag it backwards?  How about fear? What would it look like?)  but those sleeping kiddos are awake and life is moving on.  :)

So I am signing off from the blogging world for awhile.  This week we are getting ready to make the drive to Colorado, and then on Saturday we will be moved in to our new house, reunited with Kyle, and getting to start the beginning of the rest of our lives!  I'm excited.  And also grateful for the slower pace of life I've enjoyed over the last few weeks, and the things I've learned that I'm hoping to take with me.  I feel like I've climbed a mountain, and now I'm standing at the top for a few minutes just enjoying the view.


 Time to hike back down and get to work!!  But I think I'm going to be on a joy hunt for the rest of my life...

Day #39. True to the Truth for Which Martyrs Have Perished...

What a great pioneer day.  We decided to brave the crowds and have the experience of going to the "Days of '47" Pioneer Day parade.  My dad went early and staked out a spot for us and then we parked at my mom's work and walked to where my dad was. The theme of the parade was "Then and Now" and so each float had a representation of how things were for the pioneers and how they are for us today.  One float said on it, "From ink to hyperlink" and the front half was people sitting in old fashioned pews in pioneer period church clothes, with a man preaching to them and a giant quill pen.  The back half of the float had a huge silver satellite, and a family sitting on a couch looking at a huge screen of President Monson in General Conference.  It was neat to reflect on the things that are different and the things that are the same, and how we can each do our part to keep building God's kingdom and sharing the gospel. 

Tonight, I sat out on the back porch and read some more of this book that I am loving so much, "Fire in the Bones," about William Tyndale and the movement to translate and distribute the Bible in English.  I never really realized how much opposition there was to what seems now such a basic idea, and with that, never realized how many hundreds if not thousands of reformers and common men participated in clandestine operations to print and smuggle copies of the English New Testament, as they tried to avoid being punished by the church.  Ultimately Tyndale (and many others) was martyred for all of his "heresy" and wickedness," but he had a vision that was much greater than even his own life. 

"Some men will ask," he wrote, "Why I take the labour to make this work, insomcuh as they will burn it, seeing they burnt the gospel?  I answer In burning the New Testament they did none other thing that that I looked for: no more shall they do, if they burn me also, if it be God's will it shall be so.  Nevertheless, in translating the New Testament I did my duty, and so do I now, and will do as much more as God hath ordained me to do." 

I've sometimes wondered why the Lord "let" the earth be without the truths of the restored gospel for so many years, but I am starting to understand better the divine choreography of the centuries, and how so many people and causes and inventions and even rebellions had to be part of the whole master plan.  I am humbled and grateful for the countless men and women, named and unnamed, who spent their lives doing what God ordained them to do. Each of their little bricks combined together has built a mighty castle indeed.

I sat down tonight to play through my arrangement of Come, Come, Ye Saints in preparation to sing it in sacrament meeting tomorrow, and as I got to the part where I sing "True to the truth for which martyrs have perished" my heart was brimming with gratitude and respect and awe for William Tyndale and others like him who dedicated their lives to truth.  (my eyes were kind of brimming too.) 

I hope the rest of the song will be descriptive of my life, and that I will be able to accomplish the things God has ordained me to do.

"To God's command, soul, heart, and hand
Faithful and true we will ever stand."


Okay, and one more awesome quote from Mr. Tyndale--he wrote this in one of his treatises, but I think it's as good as scripture:

"Also remember, that His Son's blood is stronger than all the sins and wickedness of the whole world; and therewith quiet thyself, and thereunto commit thyself, and bless thyself in all temptation...with that holy candle."

Joy, joy, joy.
That's what I feel when I think about this stuff.

Day #38. A little recipe for joy.

My parents have this quote on their refrigerator, so I have seen it a lot over the last few months.  It's from Howard W. Hunter, a former prophet of the church.  I think that each of the actions he suggest for us to do can create joy for us and others. Every single one. So, I'll call this...
  

A Prophet's Recipe for Joy:

Mend a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a letter.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise. 
Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Apologize.
Try to understand. 
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Laugh a little more.
Express your gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. 
Speak your love and then speak it again."


Isn't that the best?

I dare you to pick one an focus on doing it this week.  I'll do it too.  :)  

Day #37. The Video is Done!!!

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!  I have been so excited to share this!  Happy Pioneer Day!

I found a lot of joy in writing this arrangement, and in feeling such a connection with my ancestors as I did.  I feel a lot of joy right now, that we have completed it, and that all the little obstacles in getting it to this point have been overcome.  You can  read about the making of the video here if you want a little bit more background.

So here it is!  The first video is the song itself, and the second video is me explaining some of the meaning in the music.  Enjoy!  (And share this with people who will too!)

Double click on the video and it will take your right to YouTube where you will get a wider view. :)

Day #36. Exercise!

I Dance Dance Revoluted for a good hour today.  I was sweating and breathing hard and having a blast.  Woo hoo!  And, my mom stayed with Jake at home tonight so I could swim laps while Ethan was at swim lessons.  I will admit that I was breathing embarrassingly hard after only 2 lengths, and after 4 my quads were screaming, but I kept at it for 30 minutes, and it felt good.  (And tonight, at about 10:30 I was STARVING.) 

Anyway, I'm mindful today that our bodies are an incredible gift, and I feel joy when I fill my day with things that help me take the best care of mine. 

Only 3 more days until my 40 day Joy Hunt will officially come to an end!  Just another week after that and we will move into our house and I will get to feel like we're married again! 

Look Up.  Find the Joy. 
Em

Day #35. Fire In the Bones.

I have loved and devoured everything I've ever heard or read by S. Michael Wilcox.  He is such a gospel scholar and so insightful, and has a way of making historical figures come alive as real human beings as he relates their stories.  He did his dissertation on C.S. Lewis and I love the hour long talk he gives, condensing the things he learned in that whole process.  Awesome stuff.

Anyway, so I'm reading a book of his right now called "Fire in the Bones," all about William Tyndale's journey and eventual martyrdom as he took it upon himself to translate the Bible into English, from Greek, for the first time in its entirety.  I am learning so many cool things.  If I ever think I'm too busy to read the scriptures, I need to read this quotation again and remember what an incredible thing it is that we have the words of God, in our language, at our fingertips:

This is about the itinerant preachers that John Wycliffe sent out in the 1400's. 
"They shared manuscript translations in taverns, village greens, forests, and private homes with all who dared to listen.  Because manuscripts were costly and time-consuming to produce, many of Wycliffe's followers traveled with a single gospel, committing whole books to memory to partially escape the prohibitions of the law.  In the twilight, after the days' work was done, the blacksmiths and coopers gathered by the flicker of a candle or the glow of a hearth to hear the prized words recalled from memory or read from tattered parchments until too frequent readings turned the rag paper to dust.  Many of those caught preaching scripture in the mother tongue were burned with the offending translations hung around their necks, tall conical hats perched mockingly on their heads. "

Wow, that just gives me the chills.  Do we read the words of God with as much thrill as those blacksmiths and coopers?  Do we treasure every phrase that is available to us--to teach us the true gospel and change our lives as we live by the teachings? 

What an inspiring image.  I found joy today in understanding a little bit better how many good men, for centuries, hacked away at the mission of translating, printing, and distributing the Bible to the common man--against incredible opposition.  And now, I have access to about 10 copies, in my house alone, that I can read whenever I want.  Makes me not want to be "too tired" or "too busy" to feast on those words.  :)

Day #34. Monday, Monday, so good to me...

Clean laundry. 
Clean sheets.
Papers organized.
Stuff cleaned up. 


Ahhhh. 


That's what Monday's are for, right?


And now, I will help myself have more joy TOMORROW by exercising the self-discipline to go to bed. 
 I was so tired today.  Up too late too many nights in a row.... :)
Goodnight!

Day #33. So much joy, so little time.

Okay, if I try to post about all the little pieces of joy I am finding every day, I will never get any sleep.  :)  In one of my favorite Cherie Call songs, called "Believe," the bridge says, "It's in the way you see the glass--once you know that it's half full it overflows...every time that you believe..."  I love that.  And I am starting to feel that way as I am developing the eyes to better see and recognize my blessings.

So, do I give a superficial list of several things, or pick one and write about it....?

Pick one.  Okay.


This morning my Dad and I got to go sing a few musical numbers at Silverado, an Alzheimer's nursing home.  They hold an official sacrament meeting in this home every Sunday, and members of the stake take turns giving talks and presenting musical numbers.  I felt so lucky that I got to go feel of the spirit that was there today.  We walked into the assembly room and a woman was playing prelude music on the piano.  One of the alzheimer's patients was sitting right at the front of the room, boisterously (but impressively in tune) singing along:  "Count your many blessings see what God has done."  When she didn't know the words she would just sing, "Dum dee dee dee dum dee doo dee dooo..."  She was delightful.  And I can tell you that I don't envy her mortal circumstance one bit, but if she can still sing about counting your blessings then we all can, right?!  I  went and sat by her for the opening hymn and just reveled in getting to feel of who she was inside as I listened to her sing.
One woman was all decked out in a fancy purple dress with nylons, and velvet heels.  I could tell it was important to her, or someone that cares for her, that she be nicely dressed for church.  She was all done up, sitting on the front row, but was just crumpled in the chair, fast asleep through the entire meeting.  Another woman looked permanently concerned that something was horribly wrong, while someone else had a permanent hazy smile as she gazed off in the distance.  I was struck with the feeling that these are real people, who were once in their prime, leading active and exciting lives, and that right now they are just trapped in a mortal body that is deteriorating away.  But their soul, who they really are, is still someone with incredible divine potential.  I'm not around the elderly very often, but I do spend a lot of time with little kids--and I have learned that even though a 9 month-old baby can't articulate how he feels or exactly what he thinks, that he has a unique personality and a pre-mortal life story and personality.  I felt that same reality about the residents in this home today--they have a pre-mortal and a mortal life story that you would never know by looking at them now, but I could feel it somehow.  That was neat.

So my dad and I sang 2 duets and each of us sang a solo.  We sang "Love is Spoken Here" together, and I sang a really pretty arrangement of "Love At Home," and was overcome with the love that I felt in that room.  I saw a woman in a yellow blazer, shriveled up in a chair, barely responsive at all, and I saw next to her a man about her age, completely coherent, holding her rigid hand and resting his on her knee.  Next to her, I saw a younger man and his own wife, and I could sense the sweet caretaking nature of this family, who I'm sure have been driven to their knees many times lately, pleading for help to get through this difficult time.

I looked on the back row and saw a spunky lady sitting next to her husband with his wheelchair, and he was crying during the song.  I watched (while I sang) as she akwardly but lovingly helped him blow his nose and wiped his eyes.  From all the way across the room I could feel a nearly tangible love flowing out of this couple--I could just tell that they really really loved each other.  The Greek term for the highest form of love, the kind of committed, selfless love that I talk about in my firesides and am always hunting for great examples of--Agape--well it was emanating out of their entire bodies somehow.
And there I was singing, 

"Oh, there's One who smiles on high when there's love at home."
It was really an unforgettable experience.

*Okay, flashback for a second.*  Last night, as my Dad and I were running through our songs, I was feeling nostalgic for the days that I spent hours daily in a practice room and was constantly exercising my voice and perfecting my technique and learning new things and keeping in shape.  We finished singing that arrangement of Love at Home and I said to my dad, "I can't believe I am even saying this, but I feel like I'm a 'has been' as a singer.  I feel like I used to really be able to sing, but I am just not at the top of my game anymore!  Especially in this higher range classical stuff, my body is like--'yeah right. what are you trying to pull here?!'"  I told him, "I feel like there is so much more that I could give to this song and do with this song, but I'm just not in the vocal shape to be able to do it."*

Okay, resume the story.  So, I believe in the enabling power of the atonement.  I believe that when we offer up our hearts to the Lord, and willingly give and love and serve, that he magnifies us.  I have felt this power attend me when I sing, when the Lord really wants to use me as an instrument in His hands.  I felt that power today.  I wanted with all my heart to convey something today that these men and women could connect with, and rejoice in.  I wanted to communicate with them and just share my love and admiration for their lives.  As I sang Love At Home to those noble, courageous souls and their caretakers, I heard a voice that was clear, and open, and powerful, and completely unrestrained.  I think it was mine, but it just wasn't the same voice that had rehearsed that song the night before.  And that, to me, classifies as a miracle.

So I felt a lot of joy today.  Joy in the chance to associate with these wise, experienced, eternal souls, who are nearing the end of their mortal test.  Joy in the opportunity to feel the spirit attending me as I poured out my heart to them and the people who love them the very most.  Joy in getting to do that next to my Dad, as we played for each other and sang together.  And joy in being taught, yet again, that God's grace will magnify me as I seek to be an instrument in his hands, even if (in whatever category) I don't feel like I'm at the "top of my game."   

2 Corinthians 12:10
"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

 

 Oh, and just for the record, the spunky lady and her husband who was crying, the couple that I felt so much true Christ-like love emanating from--I learned that it was Marion D. Hanks, former assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and his wife.  I was amazed, and yet at the same time, not at all surprised.  :)


If I ever get really complainy  and start to lose the ability to see my blessings and the miracles that the Lord works in my life, will someone please smack me over the head and say, "Would you open your eyes!?!"

Thank you.

Day #32: Herbal Tea, Stars, and Acceptance.

I just enjoyed a hot cup of herbal tea out on the back patio, in the dark, looking up at the stars. I remember when my sister Lindsay and I used to sleep outside, and talk about who we were, and who we wanted to become, as we pondered the vastness of the sky. Ahhhhh.  It is so peaceful to be outside at nighttime. So relaxing.  I'm grateful for artificial lighting in some ways, but as long as I keep my lights on at night, I don't ever really calm down and feel ready to sleep. But if I watch a sunset or sit outside in the dark, I just start breathing more slowly and feel myself melt into contentment.  So that was nice.  I think I will do that again soon.


Also, I have been thinking a lot today about my diabetes.  I really do not like low blood sugar. It is such a nuisance, constantly creeping into my life.  There is never a good time to be low.  If it happens when I'm trying to exercise, I get dizzy and lightheaded and have to stop, check my blood sugar, treat the low, and then wait 15-20 minutes to exercise again.
If it happens when I need to drive somewhere, same drill.
If it happens while I'm getting my kids ready for bed I suddenly feel anxious, overwhelmed, and like I want to yell at everyone and I have to just calm down and tell myself to go check my blood sugar before I do anything crazy.
If it happens right before bed, I get so cranky inside that I JUST brushed my teeth (ARGH!) and now I have to go eat sugar that I don't want to eat anyway, and then I'll have to brush my teeth again before I go to bed.  I said no to that cupcake earlier so I wouldn't get HIGH blood sugar, and now, after I've brushed my teeth, I'm going to go eat a few glucose tablets.  Blaaaaaah!!!!
Or the best, if it happens in the middle of the night, I wake up in a cold sweat, breathing hard, shaking, and feeling paranoid but too confused to know right away what in the world is going on.  Then I get up, treat the low, eat a longer lasting carb, go brush my teeth, and spend 30 minutes trying to get my heart rate back down so I can fall asleep.
I know.  diabetes is so fun, huh?  And there are dozens more elements of this disease that are just like that.  Totally in the way, at all the wrong times, messing my life up and driving me crazy.  :)

And yet...

As I was expressing frustration to my mom tonight about how difficult it was for me to be patient with the boys while getting them to bed tonight in the middle of 2 lows, she said, "I didn't even notice that you weren't patient tonight."

And that was a divine checkpoint for me.

I realized, in that moment, more than ever before, that I really have BECOME someone I wouldn't be otherwise, because of diabetes.  I have learned how to not act on the impulses that I feel and to just wait out the emotional storm and be nice even when I feel mad inside.  I've learned how to graciously say no to food that isn't god for me, without feeling deprived or resentful.  I've helped my family establish healthier eating habits than I probably would have without all of the things I've read about nutrition and carbohydrates and all of my efforts to control my blood sugars.  I have become more dependent on the Lord than I otherwise would have had to, and more aware that, just like my insulin pump, I need HIM not just every hour, but every minute, and every second.  I need his power and his light infused into me every minute.

So tonight I weighed these scenarios in my mind:

What if I could wake up tomorrow and have diabetes completely gone, totally absent from my life? 

"Okay, definitely.  No more finger pricks, no more infusion sets, no more carb-counting, no more highs, no more lows, no more nightmare pregnancies... Awesome!"

But then I asked myself,
What if I could wake up tomorrow and have diabetes completely gone, but with it, would go all of the things that I have learned and who I have become over the last 7 years of plugging my way through this?

And you know what I answered myself?
"No way.  I wouldn't do it.  I wouldn't trade who I have become and all the Lord has taught me THROUGH the daily relentlessness of this whole thing, to have it all go away."

It felt really good to realize that, and to sort of have a slide show in my mind of all of the things I've wrestled with and overcome, the tender mercies that have helped along the way, and to see myself change and grow and become stronger and more faithful and more patient and more humble and more empathetic. 

I'm still learning, and I still fight this sometimes, and I still complain sometimes, but if diabetes were a person, I'd have to say in the end, that he is my friend.  And my teacher.  And what a loyal guy:  Even when I tell him to bug off, he never leaves my side.  :)

So the treasure that I bring back from my joy hunt today is that no matter what we may be facing, whether it be mundane, annoying, difficult,  tragic, frustrating, or downright impossible, I know that God can, overtime,  turn those things  to be for our good.  Those things become a vehicle to show us our inadequacies so we can see a need for a Savior and come to Him for help.  And then it can be said to us, as it was to Lehi's son, Jacob:

"Nevertheless...thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain."  (2 Nephi 2:2)



I know that's true.




Okay, enough artificial light already!  Go to bed, Em!!!

Day #31. Wilderness Like Eden.

So I'm still on my joy hunt that started about 30 days ago.  I'm going to stop blogging about it after day #40, but I think I might keep this mental perspective for as long as I can, for the rest of my life.  It's been really fun to challenge myself to find joy where it might not be easily seen, and to really savor the joy that is more obvious.  I love love love this scripture and I feel like it describes my summer so far:

 Isaiah 51:3-- For the Lord shall comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.  

Wilderness like Eden.  I really believe in that.  I know that it's possible.  God can make even the most awful situation filled with joy.  How?  What was so great about Eden?  Well, He was THERE.  He was WITH Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.  And if we let Him in, He can be with us too.  And when He is with us, we can see things for what they really are, and He can give us the eyes to see our circumstances and our lives in a way that will bring us joy. 

Is this too philosophical?  Here are a few real life examples of how I've felt the Lord turn my wilderness into Eden. 

Situation:  I'm 14 years old.  My 17 year-old sister and best friend is killed in a car accident.  I'm in a wilderness.  Over time, God turns this wilderness into Eden.  I draw closer to my parents as we cry together, pray together, and remember together.  I gain a testimony that families can be together forever because that reality means more to me now.  I am able to focus my mind on the things of eternity instead of on shallow, temporal teenage stuff during some of the most formative years of my life.  I learn how the scriptures can provide personalized answers to our struggles as I cry my guts out and find peace in John 14, Mosiah 2, and Enos.  I heard once that "God loves us enough to give us the very trial that we cannot handle without Him."  I believe that.  And you know what the end result is?  If we seek Him, He will come to us--and He will make our wilderness into Eden because we will feel his presence.

One more? 
Situation: My second child is born.  The hoopla is over, the help is gone, and I am on my own. I am exhausted, in physical pain, and struggling to adjust to caring for a newborn at the same time as chasing around an active toddler.  I miss my old life--the one where I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, where I got to sleep all night long, where I got to take a shower every day whenever I wanted, and when my whole life didn't revolve around a teeny creature needing to eat a few ounces of milk 10 times a day.  WIL-DER-NESS.  But you know what?  He made my wilderness like Eden.  I prayed for strength.  He helped me get from the end of my rope to the end of my day.  I prayed for my mind and heart to be changed.  He helped me to feel noble about my sacrifices to be a mom.  He helped me learn to spend less time DOING and spend  more time BEING.  He helped me become less focused on myself and more focused on someone else.  He taught me how to lose myself in the service of others, which is the greatest secret to finding joy.  I remember one day sitting at lunch with my boys--I think Jake was about 2 months old.  We hadn't gone anywhere that day, we didn't have plans to go anywhere, and I hadn't showered yet.  And yet somehow, in that moment, I looked at my kids and thought to myself, "I am the luckiest girl around.  I get to be with these guys every day, and learn how to become as a little child."  He made my wilderness like Eden. 

So, this summer is not as dire as some circumstances, but in the midst of a huge life transition and being away from my husband for a long time, I feel like the Lord has made my wilderness like Eden.  He has helped me simplify my life and just focus in on a few key things.  Without lots of distractions and busy schedules, I have been able to exercise, read the scriptures, teach Ethan how to play the piano and read, and just spend time playing with my boys.  As I have tried my hardest to stay grateful and keep looking up and finding joy, I have felt a tangible kind of strength and perspective and my eyes have been opened to what the Lord is trying to teach me. 

 "For the Lord shall comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody..."

 

Woah, where did the last 10 days go?!

For most of the last 10 days I have been either driving in the car, or staying up in Vail, Colorado, with a picture window view of the mountains--and no internet connection.  I was definitely looking up and definitely finding joy.  But no computer to tell you all about it. 

Let me explain--no, there is too much.  Let me sum up:  (Buttercup is marrying Humperdink a little less a half an hour...)


Kyle was in Denver, planning to drive 2 hours to Vail to meet up with us.  We were in Utah, planning to drive 6 hours to get to Vail.  My mom was planning to visit with my Grandma in Denver and I wanted to come down with the boys to see our house and then we were going to drive with Kyle back up to Vail to spend the weekend.   My brother Zach was flying in and meeting his girlfriend to show her around in Denver and then drive her up to Vail.   I am proud to say that despite major car trouble and cell phone failures, we were able to accomplish all of those logistics and we still even loved each other when it was all over.  

 I found joy in the craziness by trying to stay grateful. 

I am grateful for mufflers--because Kyle's fell off last week and we now know what it's like to ride in a car that doesn't have one.  :)  Props to his $10 make-shift repair job to last a few days so we could spend the weekend together while we wait for the parts to be shipped to the mechanic. 

I am grateful for bikes--even though we didn't get to take them to Vail.  As we were leaving Utah, my parents' car was making a huge thumping sound every few minutes.  After a 3 hour delay in when we were planning to leave anyway, we drove it to the mechanic to see what was going on.  After taking off the bikes, the bike rack, and redistributing some weight in the back and the back seat, the thumping was mostly gone.  So, we rode bikes today when we got back. :)

I'm grateful for DVD players.  We have done tons and tons of driving this summer.  We've played games and listened to songs and appreciated nature out the window--and we have let the boys watch a lot of shows that have helped to maintain our sanity. 

I'm grateful that we have a home!  The landlords are still finishing up a few remodeling and repair projects, so it's not quite ready for us to move in yet, but it was so fun to get to go see it and visualize ourselves there and start mapping out which rooms will be used for what.   I'm grateful that Kyle has a job and is making money, and that we are right now saving lots of money so that in a few weeks we can make the big move without racking up the credit card.  I still feel like it's worth it.

I'm grateful for beautiful mountains and fun parks and neat hiking trails and yummy snacks and old fashioned games.  We had so much fun at the condo playing hide and seek with the entire family.  The adults were screaming as we ran for our lives to get to base.  So great.

I love being outside, in nature, removed a bit from man-made stuff and more focused on God's creations.  As we hiked up one of our favorite trails to the waterfall (which, in the winter, is an enchanting snow cave), I found myself looking up.  Looking up at the trees, the sky, the grandeur of the view.  And looking up to praise the One who created it all.  All that looking up made me feel a lot of joy. 

So that's the last week or so in a nutshell.  On the drive back to Utah I was kind of saying to myself, "Wait, why are we driving in this direction?!  We're going the wrong way!!"  But, we've already done our last long goodbye to Kyle, and it will be just a few more weeks and then we will do our last big drive of the summer, our last unpacking of the summer, and our first move-in to a house with a yard and a garage!!   I'm determined to savor the precious parts about this time right now, find as much joy as I possibly can, and then sprint to the finish with a big smile.  Here we go!

Day #20, 21. Joy: The obvious as well as the not so obvious kind.

Obvious Joy:
-Sitting on the back porch last night, in gorgeous evening weather, in my parents' beautiful yard, with Kyle and the boys and my parents.  The boys were eating "4th of July cupcakes" and we started singing some patriotic songs in 4 part harmony.  Ethan was waving his arms around "directing the choir" while we sang God Bless America, America the Beautiful, and The Star Spangled Banner.  It really was like Christmas in July. :)

-Watching Ethan ride his bike and Jake push his stroller this morning in the parade.  They absolutely loved the pinwheels we had taped on there!

-Pondering the circle of life as I watched my niece be blessed watched her parents and grandparents love her.

And, a few moments with joy that was not quite as obvious, but there just the same:
-I walked upstairs this afternoon to find Jake sitting on the kitchen counter, pouring Orville Redenbacher's "Pop and Top" oil INTO the air pop popcorn machine.  It was also all over the counter and the floor.  Where's the joy?  Well, I was talking to a lady after the parade this morning and she was telling me how quickly life goes by and how your kids just grow up in a snap, and how you really just have to savor every stage for what it has because it will be gone so quickly.  I felt that today.  Thankfully, Jake won't always be pouring oil into the air popper, but he also won't always be snuggling on my lap after naps, running through the halls in his new tennis shoes, or asking to hear the Colorado state song as his lullaby EVERY NIGHT.  I'm savoring this whole stage, even if it means cleaning up oil sometimes.

-And speaking of oil, as I was whisking Jake away from the red crystal light he had grabbed and pulled onto the floor, I slipped on the oil and totally jammed my big toe on who knows what, but OUCH!!!  It was throbbing for about 2 hours and I'm still limping a little bit. I think I might even lose that toe nail... The joy?  Well, I am amazed at how much my body does for me.  And I'm so glad that for the most part, most of the parts work, most of the time.  And I'm glad I get to have a body and figure out how to use it and how to take care of it and, most importantly, how to feel joy in it!  Plus,  someday when my house is empty and the popcorn oil and the crystal light stay off the floor, I might be willing to trade a jammed toe nail for an adorable little mess-maker to brighten my day and come remind me what things matter the most.


So there you have it.  I am learning/realizing/remembering that finding joy has a lot to do with being spiritually minded.  If I can take a mortal frustration and apply a spiritual truth to it that gives it a higher purpose or a deeper meaning, I can find the joy.

I once heard this awesome thought, which seems pertinent today:

"We are not mortal beings having spiritual experiences.  
We are spiritual beings having mortal experiences."

Maybe I'll expound on that tomorrow. But for now, my spiritual being needs to have the mortal experience of sleep.  :)   'Night!

Day #17, #18, #19. Not too hard to find the joy...

I started this whole 40 day joy hunt as a way to help me get through the lonely/discouraging/frustrating/hot/long days during this transition--but the last 3 days have been pretty easy... :)

Holding hands.  Being together! 
Ethan playing his first real song ever for Daddy on the piano
Ethan reading with Daddy and showing off all the new words he's learned!
A gorgeous family bike ride up in Park City
Swimming with the boys!  They both can go under water now without getting scared.

Man, little boys sure can learn a lot in 3 weeks.  It's been fun this weekend to feel the accomplishment of all the things we've been working on since Kyle can tell how much they've improved and learned.

Life is good.  The Lord rains down blessings all the time.
"My cup runneth over..."

Em

Day #16: A House and a Husband!

Well, today I was mostly still in survival mode, in the aftermath of all my body's recent mortal adventures.  I told my husband I'm pretty sure that there is a direct relationship between how much patience you feel toward your children and how good you feel physically, and that today I was on the wrong side of that equation.  :)  But, the good news is, Kyle is coming to visit us tomorrow!!  Woo hoo!  We get to spend the weekend with Daddy!  That counts as joy for a whole week, right? 

So it was taking every ounce of self control I had tonight to get the boys to bed and stay patient and positive and kind.  As we lay down to sing songs I had all of us just take a few deep breaths and then I asked the boys to think about the fun things they had done today and tell me about them.  They did, and it was good to focus on those things.  After the songs were done, in the stillness of the moment, Ethan whispered,

"Mom, what were YOUR favorite fun things that you did today?" 

For the better part of the evening I hadn't been thinking I had really done ANY fun things today, so it was great to have my 5 year-old encourage me to think hard about finding the positive things about the day. I also loved how he said to me at the park today:

"Wow, Mom.  These monkey bars are tricky.  You have to be a big-year old to do them!"

And, tonight, we found, after a month of looking, a house to rent that is way nicer than what we could have imagined, and at a price that will totally work for us for the first 2 years out of school.  Kyle just went to see it tonight and took pictures and we feel great about it and we're going to do it.  Whew!!  So now we can move forward with a lot of aspects of life and start getting Ethan signed up for kindergarten and make all kinds of other plans now that we know where we'll be living.  Yay!!!!!

Day #15: Um, digging really deep for joy today.

Oh man.  Monday night I went to bed feeling like mortality was stacked a little bit against me:  low blood sugar, new infusion site, menstrual cramps, and kind of an overall feeling of unfocused anxiety.  I went to bed trying to be positive: 

"It's okay, Em. It could be worse.  You could be sick on top of all of this." 

Well, at 1:00 in the morning after tossing and turning with nausea and not really knowing what was going on, I finally realized that I had gotten food poisoning, and my body proceeded to command all possible systems to do their duty to expel the food.  Blech.  It was a long, practically sleepness night.  I was very grateful for scope, clorox wipes, and comet. And how did people ever do this without running water?!?!

All day I was in a state of comatose physical exhaustion and mortal overload.  I crawled around saying to myself, "I was glad to get to have a body. I was excited to get to have these experiences..." and the realistic, somewhat cynnical half of my psyche was saying, "yeah, you had no idea what you were getting into, did you now?" 

So, I think today was one of those days that is not necessarily brimming with joy, but is part of the life equation that helps you recognize joy, because you have to feel its opposite. 

But, I did find joy in a great movie called Akeelah and the Bee.  I was a total spelling bee nerd in middle school and this was a great show about a black girl who beats the odds and makes it to the national bee--and in the process strengthens all the important relationships in her life by what she learns about herself.  My boys miraculously sat and watched with me and it was nice to have a good show and two cuddly kiddos to divert my mind from all the awfulness of the last 24 hours. 
After the movie was over (and it was fairly late)  Ethan said, "Mom, get me some cereal, and get me to bed!"

I do love those boys.  It's a little harder to remember that when you don't feel good, but I do.

Day #14: Ethan's first official piano lesson!

I went to Zumba this morning (I'm sore!) and then took the boys to the library. We signed up for the summer reading program which will be fun.

I presented Ethan with the Primer Level Piano Adventures lesson book, and with an incentive program I have been devising. (I kinda tried piano with him awhile back and I could tell it was going to be a fight, so I decided to back off).  My new plan was that I told him for every page we do, he can put a sticker on it and once he gets to 5 stickers, he can choose one of the following:  an extra treat, 15 extra minutes on the wii, or a surprise. 
We sat down today and I thought he might do 2 or 3 stickers--but he just wanted to keep going and going and we ended up doing 10!  He got a surprise for the first 5 (a watering can Nana got for him) and then a wii coupon for the second 5.  I kept telling him, "okay, we can stop now if you want to be done" and he kept wanting to do more.  In an hour today, he can now situate himself at the piano, he knows the names of the finger numbers and can tap them separately and together, and he can tap the beat of quarter notes with the metronome at various speeds.  The last page we did was an actual duet where he plays right hand and left hand alternating while I play a cool diddy on top.  It was so much fun!  He was laughing when he messed up and I was making funny faces and he knew he didn't HAVE to, but that he could if he wanted. Honestly, it was a dream come true to have a real piano lesson with my son.  I think the set up is good, and that we will continue to have fun and make progress.


There is a joy that comes from learning to do something well, and an even greater joy when you get to teach someone else how to do it.  And an even GREATER joy when that someone is your child.  This is fun.

Day #13: Post-event chatting.

So I got to present my "Best Kind of Love" fireside to a ward youth group up in Layton on Sunday.  I enjoyed getting to sing and share my thoughts about some great scriptures and bear my testimony--but my favorite part is always talking to people afterward. 

One of the first times my husband and I watched a movie together I was absolutely shocked when, after it was over, he turned off the t.v. and then got up and started brushing his teeth. 
What?  What are you doing?!?!  The whole point of watching a movie is to sit and talk about it afterward, isn't it?   Well, at least that's how it was for me growing up. 

I remember when we went to see "First Knight"  (ooooh, I LOVE that movie) in the theaters and as usual my family was the very last group out of the theater--they had turned the lights on and were sweeping up popcorn--because we were analyzing the symbolism of this and the character motivation of that and the musical significance of that... and then I remember still analyzing the movie as we all had a late-night snack and then gathering for family prayer and STILL talking about it for who knows how long.  That's funny. And I've realized since then rather rare. 

Anyway, that is my long way of saying that my favorite part of the fireside on Sunday was talking to people afterward and having them share with me THEIR insights about charity and the thoughts they have had about certain scriptures and ideas.  One guy shared a thought with me about Mormon's words at the end of Moroni 7: "and whoso is found possessed of [charity] at the last day it shall be well with him."  He told me about the distinction between possessing something and being possessed BY it and suggested that we don't come to HAVE charity, but that we learn to be possessed by Him who IS charity. 
God doesn't just exhibit loving traits--he IS love. 
And we become charitable by letting Him possess us. 
I thought that was really neat. 

So, I love the gospel.  I love the scriptures.  I love singing. I love sharing things the spirit has taught me about life.  And I love when other people share, too!  So, lots of joy.   And my kids got to learn how to play "one potato, two potato, three potato more" with Nana and Grandad while I was gone.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it??

Day #12. Too busy EXPERIENCING joy to write about it. :)

Well,  I'm going to do a few days at a time today since I got a bit behind.  But so many great things have been going on (and a few not so great things) that actually posting about my daily joy hunt findings got put at the bottom of the list. But I have been finding a lot of joy lately! 

So let's pretend that each of these days was actually posted on the day I'm talking about, k?


Day #12:  Sleepover with one of my favoritest friends ever, Heather. 

We seriously just picked up where we left off. Isn't that the coolest when you can do that with a friend you haven't seen in 4 years?  And she didn't even really know my kids but after 5 minutes she was their honorary aunt.  It is such a gift to get to be with people who "get you."  You know what I mean? We are all blessed with lots of people who know us, who love us, who serve us, or like us, but I think we only get a handful of people in our whole lives who totally, 100%, "get us," inside and out.  Heather is one of my precious handful.  :) 

Heather and I started to become friends just a few months before my sister, Lindsay, died--I was 14, my sister was 17, and she was killed a few days after Christmas in a car accident as we were driving from Colorado to Utah.  My two older siblings were serving foreign missions for our church, my mom broke her neck in the accident, and my soul mate/best friend/sister/confidant/piano buddy/singing buddy/everything was gone.  Just like that. Gone.

The days, weeks, months, and even years that followed were gut-wrenching and really hard.  There were lots of days I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  I really had to dig deep for faith and peace and perspective.  I knew it then, but I felt it even more this weekend, that Heather was sent into my life, right at that time,  as a gift to help me find the strength to get through.  She's such an amazing question asker and listener--and so many of those late night sleepovers we used to have were actually just therapy sessions where I got to hear myself think and process through how I felt, and renew my eternal perspective on life.  We each had a toothbrush at each other's house and we would wear each other's pajamas and then bring them back, clean, for the next sleepover.  We would just talk and talk and talk and talk until one of us finally fell asleep (or until it was time to go sunrise waterskiing--we actually did that once. ha.)  I found so much joy this weekend in gaining a better understanding of how friendship really can be a gift from God.  Int his life I won't every know the reasons why God didn't save Lindsay's life--but over the last 12 years I can see so many ways that He has saved mine.  I can see so many people and experiences and opportunities and lessons that He has given to me that are perfectly tailored to my needs and my struggles. So many ways that He has dropped little postcards from Heaven to let me know He is aware of me and has plans for me.  It is utterly amazing. 

So, that's a whole lotta joy for day 12. 

Day #11. Little playmates.

When Jake came home from the hospital, Ethan was indifferent.  Jake may as well have been a limp baby doll.  There were days when (somewhat influenced by those nasty post partum hormones) that I would just have a break down because I had always pictured my kids loving each other and there seemed to be no connection whatsoever.  As Jake has gotten older, things have gotten better and better, and   I love that my boys are now becoming good friends! 

This summer, away from their usual friends and structured activities, they are really learning to play together and be creative and have fun.  We set up an inflatable pool in the backyard today and let them run around through the sprinkler and splash in the pool and just be crazy.  Wasn't I just barely doing that with my own siblings?  Wow.  Today, as I watched them run and laugh together,  I had glimpses in my mind of them singing in choir together or playing on the same sports team, or going on camp-outs together, or just talking as friends years down the road.  I'm sure there will be miles of yelling and fighting and refusing to share between now and then, and even then, but it brought me joy today to see that they really do love each other. 

I may need to come back and read this post in a few days when I feel like all I did all day was referee and try to teach my children to share and take turns... :)

Day #10. Best Friends and Firesides.

I talked to my best friend from high school today. We've kept in touch, but haven't been able to see each other for about 4 years--woah!  So, we just planned our weekend and she is going to come over on Saturday to hang out and then spend the night, just like old times.  I'm so excited!!! 

I've also been working today on refining the musical fireside I will be giving on Sunday to a youth group up in Layton, Utah.  Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself that I can never just do the exact same performance twice--I always have to tweak things and change them and target them to the exact audience I will have, etc.  It makes my life more complicated, but at the same time I love the new things I'm able to learn as I try to improve the program and think of new ways to teach the gospel. I'm praying that whatever I say or sing will bring the spirit so that whoever comes will be able to hear exactly what they need most to learn. 

So, I'll let you know how it goes!

Day #9. Sweet Bedtime.

Ahhhhh.

Some nights I feel like a total slave driver getting my kids ready for bed.  "Okay, come on!  Okay, we're not doing THAT right now...  Alright, I'm ready for you--let's go..." I say over and over as we plow through baths and snacks and pajamas and brushing teeth and the whole bit. Sometimes, by the end,  I'm looking at my watch wondering when I will get to "clock out."

But tonight, we went down to the basement extra early and just took our time getting ready.  No slave driving--just step by step, slowly and happily.  Then the three of us snuggled up together in Ethan's (queen-sized here at Nana's) bed and read extra stories, and sang songs together.  Even after the songs were over, I just stayed there--all warm and cozy between my two little buddies.  I think they could sense the significance that we had completed the routine of everything and yet I was still there with them.  They could feel it that I just wanted to be with them for a little bit longer.

In whispers:
"I love you, Ethan. I love you Jake."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I lah-oo doo, Mom."  



I do believe that's as good as it gets.  :)



Here's the words to one of the songs we sang tonight.  It's one of my favorites from when I was a kid.  And it also fits in very nicely with this little theme of looking up and finding the joy.  



Where is Heaven?
Words and Music by Janice Kapp Perry

I wish I could remember the days before my birth
And if I knew the Father, before I came to Earth.
Was I a child there?  Did I walk with God?  And was that where I learned about the iron rod?


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
Where is Heaven?  Will you show the way?  
I would like to learn and grow and go there someday


I wish I could remember the Father's loving face
And all the friends and family that filled that holy place
In quiet moments, when I'm all alone
I close my eyes and try to see my Heav'nly home


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
I've a feeling--that it's not so far
When you're with the ones you love...
It's right where you are. 


Well, we are definitely missing Kyle, so we're not with ALL the ones we love.
And yet, the Lord is filling up our emptiness--with joy.  :)   

Look Up. Find the Joy. Day #8.

This morning we rode our bikes straight out the GARAGE,
all the way to a park using  SIDEWALKS,
and had an amazing view of the MOUNTAINS the whole way. 

AWESOME!!!!!  

(These are three things I really missed during the last 4 years!)  


It feels so good to be outside!

Day #7. Grid Systems and Old Friends.

Theoretically I have always understood the CONCEPT of a grid system as it relates to streets and blocks.

But I'm not the sharpest tack in the drawer when it comes to cardinal directions and how to get places. 

I don't pay attention at all when other people are driving, and since I've never lived in Salt Lake City, I haven't driven very much there, and consequently have never really cemented practical experience with the grid onto the idea of how it works.  

I'm proud to announce that I think I finally get it.  I sometimes still have to really concentrate and think, "Okay, the temple is north--so that means we are headed south right now, so the block numbers are going to get...LARGER.  Okay."   But I feel like more of an adult now when I get in the car here.  :)  Yay. 
That's joy, right?

 Also, we went to the park today and met up with some awesome friends from Indiana and just got to catch up and let the kids play.  Such a treat! 

"For worthy friends whose live proclaim devotion to the Savior's name
Who bless our days with peace and love
We praise thy goodness, Lord above."


Lots of blessings to count...

Day #6. Piano Duets with Dad.

After a great dinner tonight, my mom played out back with the boys while my Dad and I got to just hang out around the piano together, just like all those times we used to do. We pulled out a book of well-loved piano duets and sat down and played them again.

I remember playing those duets with my sister, Lindsay, and my Dad remembers the practice sounds that filled the house--the whining and grunting as well as the celebration of triumph when we finally got a certain part to sound right. We felt close to Linds tonight, as we savored the fragrance that the music brought.  Here are a few memories that brought me joy today:

*I remember a group of 4 measures in "Valencia" that I literally practiced hours and hours and hours to get just right.  I can still taste the frustration that section gave me!  Ahhhhhh!

*  There's a part where our hands actually crossed and we played several measures with my left hand in between her two hands.  As my Dad and I played, I could remember actually sitting next to her and joking about getting out of my way so I could have the B flat as soon as she was off of it.  New memories of her are such a gift. 

*I remember my piano teacher, Carolyn Shaak,  working with me on one section that has a gorgeous, almost haunting melody line.  I remember her telling me to make "white spots" on my fingernails, which means you have to press firmly enough to voice the melody and make it sing.  I made it sing tonight--and I thought of Carolyn and what an incredible teacher and person she is.

*I remember going up to Ft. Collins to compete in the state duet competition with Lindsay.  I remember the dresses we wore that day, our 80's foofy hair, and the hardwood floor of the stage where the piano was.  I remember the euphoria of winning the competition and feeling like all of those tedious hours were worth it!  (I also randomly remember that on the way home we drove in between two cars on the freeway and one was an Alaska license plate and the other was a Hawaii license plate and I felt like I was charmed.  Weird.)

 Anyway, so we had a little trip down memory lane and I realized what rich soil I had growing up, and how much I love my Dad and his love for music and his desire to give us the best musical experiences and training he possibly could.

So, happy father's day!

Day #5. Creation, Fall, Atonement.

Three important words in the gospel are

Creation
Fall
Atonement

These are the three pillars of eternity.   There was creation of the earth, the fall of man, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that in a nutshell is the plan of salvation.  Well, these three phases are also present on a smaller scale in our lives as we make major transitions or go through processes.

For example:  You get accepted to a college and you get all excited about getting ready, and taking classes, and getting to know people and living "on your own."  That is creation.  Inevitably, though, you reach the time when you have issues with your roommates, the classes are hard or boring, and you start to realize that cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry is lame. This is the fall.  And so, it is because of our "fall" experiences, that we come to need the Atonement.  We need Someone to give us strength, perspective, and assurance during the low times so that we can overcome them and eventually scale to another creation, this time on a higher plane. And in this process we come to know Jesus Christ as He lifts us up to higher ground. 

 Here is one more example of this idea just for fun:
Creation  (literally): "Wow, I'm going to be a mother!  This is incredible. I'm going to go buy cute little onesies and set up the nursery and read books about labor and delivery and tell everyone the exciting news!"

Fall:  "Okay, all of the pregnant people I've seen in my life can't possibly have felt as awful as I feel, can they?  This is so hard.  Nausea. Pain.  Blood sugar roller coaster.  Depression.  Is this ever going to end?!"

Atonement:  "Father, help me to keep perspective and view this as a privilege and to rejoice that I get to bring a child into the world.  Help me to let my spirit emanate light in spite of this mortal prison I am in right now."

I love this concept of Creation, Fall, Atonement,  (thanks, Mom, for teaching me about it!) and it has really helped me during the "fall times" to remember that it's an inevitable part of life, and that it is as we overcome those times THROUGH the atonement, that we find true joy.

So, Monday was definitely a fall day  (That would be day #-1 of this look up/find the joy quest, which was part of the impetus for the whole idea).  Kyle had left, and all the excitement about moving and getting here and seeing family and having fun was totally gone and I was back in the trenches of parenthood.  My kids were grouchy and defiant, suffering from a severe vacation overdose, and I was looking at a looming summer ahead with no money, no structure, no friends, no husband, and no life. I worked hard to prepare a family home evening lesson that turned out to be a total bomb, bedtime was a fight, and everything was a fight.  I was discouraged and feeling like this would be the longest summer of my life.

So, once I recognized that I was in "the fall" phase of this, and I decided to look up.  I plead for help in establishing a routine and being able to re-approach parenthood and figure out how to discipline away from home and away from Kyle, etc.  Since then, I've been trying to determine our priorities and establish some ground rules and a schedule that will work for this unique period of time.  I read in Exodus 25-30 the very specific and detailed instructions that the Lord gives to Moses about how to build the tabernacle and how to ordain priests and how to offer sacrifices, and felt an impression that the Lord could give specific instruction to me too, about the details of my life. I've been trying to ask for guidance and to listen to the promptings that come.

And today, after almost a week of working at it, I felt like things are starting to fall into place.  We're getting into a groove.  We have a bedtime, a wake-up time, a time for family scripture study, time to be outside and get exercise,  and 30 minutes where I'm helping Ethan learn how to read and get excited for school in the fall.  Jake gets an hour nap--no more no less--so that he won't fall apart at 5:30 but yet will also actually go to bed at 8:30.  I have felt inspired to discipline actually MORE, but sooner and calmer and things have been SO much better.  My kids are learning the boundaries and I'm actually having to enforce the rules less as I immediately render simple consequences for crossing them.  So I guess that means that I am in a new creation phase!  (watch out, that means "the fall" is just around the corner...) 

I feel joy in knowing that God really does know me and He cares about the details of my life.  He wants to help me.  I know that He will rain down the manna we need as we travel through this wilderness--during this particular transition, and for the rest of our lives.

 and if you need a good laugh today, to remember you're not the only one who has ever been in "the fall," check this out)

Day #4. Zumba and Clean Bathrooms

So I got a rec center pass for me and the boys so we can do some fun things during our time here.  I am totally loving Zumba.  It's  workout class where you dance to latin music and I'm not very good at it, but I am having a ball.  And that is where I found joy today.  I haven't always been able to enjoy things that I'm not very good at, but I feel like I'm learning how.  I wasn't comparing myself to other people or setting a goal of how good I have to get at it before I can relax and have fun.  I was just spinning all over the place trying to keep up and feeling grateful to be having so much fun while getting good exercise. And man, I'm sore in muscles I didn't know I even had. :)

Also, I had a monumental moment.  I cleaned a bathroom today (2 actually) and it wasn't my nasty bathroom in my apartment!!!  It's such a silly thing, but it honestly dragged me down every time I cleaned our bathroom because it never looked any better after I was done!  The caulking was still nasty, the paint splatters were still on the faucet, the perma stains on the mirror never went away, and the I still knew that there was hair underneath the last layer of paint on the walls.  Blech.  Today, the floors gleamed after I mopped them, the mirrors sparkled, and I felt like I had actually accomplished something.  Woo hoo!!! 


"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."    Which is really great when you do the nasty first and then move to the nice.  Oh, and did I mention that I have enough counter space to put my hair dryer, my brush, and my curling iron on the counter at the same time?!?! And that I can plug 2 appliances in at the same time?!?!  I'm in the lap of luxury, I know.

Day #3. The hole in the fence.

So there was a huge windstorm yesterday that blew two planks right out of my parent's fence in their backyard. Ethan thought it was pretty cool--and when I told him to be careful if he went outside because he might blow away, he actually squinted his eyes and studied me to detect whether I was kidding or not.  Ha.

Anyway, my parents have granted permission to the neighborhood kids to cut through their yard as a shortcut, so occasionally I see random teenagers walking into or out of their yard.  Today, while I was at the kitchen sink, there was a shaggy-haired boy, probably about 15, who kept fidgeting with the gate latch, unable to get it open.  I could tell he was getting embarrassed and a little bit flustered.  As he looked up, presumably to see whether he was being mocked, he noticed, to his surprise, the huge hole in the fence, about 20 feet down, from where the wind had knocked the planks out. He looked around for a second, as if to make sure no one was watching (which was hilarious because I could see the whole thing and he had no clue), and then abandoned the gate latch and just slipped right through the hole in the fence and onto wherever he was going.

I'm not sure why that incident made me smile so much, but every time I have thought of it today I just get giggly inside.  Is it because there is humor in the idea that we think other people can't see us even when they can?  Is it just funny to see someone struggle with something simple because I have been in that situation so many times?  Maybe I just love the moment of decision, where he seemed to be determining whether it would be "cheating" to give up on the latch and just take the easy way.  But why mess with an annoying latch when you can just walk through a hole in the fence, right?  I guess I can't explain it.  It's just funny to me.

So there you have it.  A silly little thing I found on my joy hunt today.

Maybe next time I find myself getting flustered over a problem I will think of that kid I saw today and remind myself to step back, LOOK UP, and take a different approach. Maybe there will be a ridiculously simple solution right in front of my face... :)