Day #16: A House and a Husband!

Well, today I was mostly still in survival mode, in the aftermath of all my body's recent mortal adventures.  I told my husband I'm pretty sure that there is a direct relationship between how much patience you feel toward your children and how good you feel physically, and that today I was on the wrong side of that equation.  :)  But, the good news is, Kyle is coming to visit us tomorrow!!  Woo hoo!  We get to spend the weekend with Daddy!  That counts as joy for a whole week, right? 

So it was taking every ounce of self control I had tonight to get the boys to bed and stay patient and positive and kind.  As we lay down to sing songs I had all of us just take a few deep breaths and then I asked the boys to think about the fun things they had done today and tell me about them.  They did, and it was good to focus on those things.  After the songs were done, in the stillness of the moment, Ethan whispered,

"Mom, what were YOUR favorite fun things that you did today?" 

For the better part of the evening I hadn't been thinking I had really done ANY fun things today, so it was great to have my 5 year-old encourage me to think hard about finding the positive things about the day. I also loved how he said to me at the park today:

"Wow, Mom.  These monkey bars are tricky.  You have to be a big-year old to do them!"

And, tonight, we found, after a month of looking, a house to rent that is way nicer than what we could have imagined, and at a price that will totally work for us for the first 2 years out of school.  Kyle just went to see it tonight and took pictures and we feel great about it and we're going to do it.  Whew!!  So now we can move forward with a lot of aspects of life and start getting Ethan signed up for kindergarten and make all kinds of other plans now that we know where we'll be living.  Yay!!!!!

Day #15: Um, digging really deep for joy today.

Oh man.  Monday night I went to bed feeling like mortality was stacked a little bit against me:  low blood sugar, new infusion site, menstrual cramps, and kind of an overall feeling of unfocused anxiety.  I went to bed trying to be positive: 

"It's okay, Em. It could be worse.  You could be sick on top of all of this." 

Well, at 1:00 in the morning after tossing and turning with nausea and not really knowing what was going on, I finally realized that I had gotten food poisoning, and my body proceeded to command all possible systems to do their duty to expel the food.  Blech.  It was a long, practically sleepness night.  I was very grateful for scope, clorox wipes, and comet. And how did people ever do this without running water?!?!

All day I was in a state of comatose physical exhaustion and mortal overload.  I crawled around saying to myself, "I was glad to get to have a body. I was excited to get to have these experiences..." and the realistic, somewhat cynnical half of my psyche was saying, "yeah, you had no idea what you were getting into, did you now?" 

So, I think today was one of those days that is not necessarily brimming with joy, but is part of the life equation that helps you recognize joy, because you have to feel its opposite. 

But, I did find joy in a great movie called Akeelah and the Bee.  I was a total spelling bee nerd in middle school and this was a great show about a black girl who beats the odds and makes it to the national bee--and in the process strengthens all the important relationships in her life by what she learns about herself.  My boys miraculously sat and watched with me and it was nice to have a good show and two cuddly kiddos to divert my mind from all the awfulness of the last 24 hours. 
After the movie was over (and it was fairly late)  Ethan said, "Mom, get me some cereal, and get me to bed!"

I do love those boys.  It's a little harder to remember that when you don't feel good, but I do.

Day #14: Ethan's first official piano lesson!

I went to Zumba this morning (I'm sore!) and then took the boys to the library. We signed up for the summer reading program which will be fun.

I presented Ethan with the Primer Level Piano Adventures lesson book, and with an incentive program I have been devising. (I kinda tried piano with him awhile back and I could tell it was going to be a fight, so I decided to back off).  My new plan was that I told him for every page we do, he can put a sticker on it and once he gets to 5 stickers, he can choose one of the following:  an extra treat, 15 extra minutes on the wii, or a surprise. 
We sat down today and I thought he might do 2 or 3 stickers--but he just wanted to keep going and going and we ended up doing 10!  He got a surprise for the first 5 (a watering can Nana got for him) and then a wii coupon for the second 5.  I kept telling him, "okay, we can stop now if you want to be done" and he kept wanting to do more.  In an hour today, he can now situate himself at the piano, he knows the names of the finger numbers and can tap them separately and together, and he can tap the beat of quarter notes with the metronome at various speeds.  The last page we did was an actual duet where he plays right hand and left hand alternating while I play a cool diddy on top.  It was so much fun!  He was laughing when he messed up and I was making funny faces and he knew he didn't HAVE to, but that he could if he wanted. Honestly, it was a dream come true to have a real piano lesson with my son.  I think the set up is good, and that we will continue to have fun and make progress.


There is a joy that comes from learning to do something well, and an even greater joy when you get to teach someone else how to do it.  And an even GREATER joy when that someone is your child.  This is fun.

Day #13: Post-event chatting.

So I got to present my "Best Kind of Love" fireside to a ward youth group up in Layton on Sunday.  I enjoyed getting to sing and share my thoughts about some great scriptures and bear my testimony--but my favorite part is always talking to people afterward. 

One of the first times my husband and I watched a movie together I was absolutely shocked when, after it was over, he turned off the t.v. and then got up and started brushing his teeth. 
What?  What are you doing?!?!  The whole point of watching a movie is to sit and talk about it afterward, isn't it?   Well, at least that's how it was for me growing up. 

I remember when we went to see "First Knight"  (ooooh, I LOVE that movie) in the theaters and as usual my family was the very last group out of the theater--they had turned the lights on and were sweeping up popcorn--because we were analyzing the symbolism of this and the character motivation of that and the musical significance of that... and then I remember still analyzing the movie as we all had a late-night snack and then gathering for family prayer and STILL talking about it for who knows how long.  That's funny. And I've realized since then rather rare. 

Anyway, that is my long way of saying that my favorite part of the fireside on Sunday was talking to people afterward and having them share with me THEIR insights about charity and the thoughts they have had about certain scriptures and ideas.  One guy shared a thought with me about Mormon's words at the end of Moroni 7: "and whoso is found possessed of [charity] at the last day it shall be well with him."  He told me about the distinction between possessing something and being possessed BY it and suggested that we don't come to HAVE charity, but that we learn to be possessed by Him who IS charity. 
God doesn't just exhibit loving traits--he IS love. 
And we become charitable by letting Him possess us. 
I thought that was really neat. 

So, I love the gospel.  I love the scriptures.  I love singing. I love sharing things the spirit has taught me about life.  And I love when other people share, too!  So, lots of joy.   And my kids got to learn how to play "one potato, two potato, three potato more" with Nana and Grandad while I was gone.  It doesn't get much better than that, does it??

Day #12. Too busy EXPERIENCING joy to write about it. :)

Well,  I'm going to do a few days at a time today since I got a bit behind.  But so many great things have been going on (and a few not so great things) that actually posting about my daily joy hunt findings got put at the bottom of the list. But I have been finding a lot of joy lately! 

So let's pretend that each of these days was actually posted on the day I'm talking about, k?


Day #12:  Sleepover with one of my favoritest friends ever, Heather. 

We seriously just picked up where we left off. Isn't that the coolest when you can do that with a friend you haven't seen in 4 years?  And she didn't even really know my kids but after 5 minutes she was their honorary aunt.  It is such a gift to get to be with people who "get you."  You know what I mean? We are all blessed with lots of people who know us, who love us, who serve us, or like us, but I think we only get a handful of people in our whole lives who totally, 100%, "get us," inside and out.  Heather is one of my precious handful.  :) 

Heather and I started to become friends just a few months before my sister, Lindsay, died--I was 14, my sister was 17, and she was killed a few days after Christmas in a car accident as we were driving from Colorado to Utah.  My two older siblings were serving foreign missions for our church, my mom broke her neck in the accident, and my soul mate/best friend/sister/confidant/piano buddy/singing buddy/everything was gone.  Just like that. Gone.

The days, weeks, months, and even years that followed were gut-wrenching and really hard.  There were lots of days I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  I really had to dig deep for faith and peace and perspective.  I knew it then, but I felt it even more this weekend, that Heather was sent into my life, right at that time,  as a gift to help me find the strength to get through.  She's such an amazing question asker and listener--and so many of those late night sleepovers we used to have were actually just therapy sessions where I got to hear myself think and process through how I felt, and renew my eternal perspective on life.  We each had a toothbrush at each other's house and we would wear each other's pajamas and then bring them back, clean, for the next sleepover.  We would just talk and talk and talk and talk until one of us finally fell asleep (or until it was time to go sunrise waterskiing--we actually did that once. ha.)  I found so much joy this weekend in gaining a better understanding of how friendship really can be a gift from God.  Int his life I won't every know the reasons why God didn't save Lindsay's life--but over the last 12 years I can see so many ways that He has saved mine.  I can see so many people and experiences and opportunities and lessons that He has given to me that are perfectly tailored to my needs and my struggles. So many ways that He has dropped little postcards from Heaven to let me know He is aware of me and has plans for me.  It is utterly amazing. 

So, that's a whole lotta joy for day 12. 

Day #11. Little playmates.

When Jake came home from the hospital, Ethan was indifferent.  Jake may as well have been a limp baby doll.  There were days when (somewhat influenced by those nasty post partum hormones) that I would just have a break down because I had always pictured my kids loving each other and there seemed to be no connection whatsoever.  As Jake has gotten older, things have gotten better and better, and   I love that my boys are now becoming good friends! 

This summer, away from their usual friends and structured activities, they are really learning to play together and be creative and have fun.  We set up an inflatable pool in the backyard today and let them run around through the sprinkler and splash in the pool and just be crazy.  Wasn't I just barely doing that with my own siblings?  Wow.  Today, as I watched them run and laugh together,  I had glimpses in my mind of them singing in choir together or playing on the same sports team, or going on camp-outs together, or just talking as friends years down the road.  I'm sure there will be miles of yelling and fighting and refusing to share between now and then, and even then, but it brought me joy today to see that they really do love each other. 

I may need to come back and read this post in a few days when I feel like all I did all day was referee and try to teach my children to share and take turns... :)

Day #10. Best Friends and Firesides.

I talked to my best friend from high school today. We've kept in touch, but haven't been able to see each other for about 4 years--woah!  So, we just planned our weekend and she is going to come over on Saturday to hang out and then spend the night, just like old times.  I'm so excited!!! 

I've also been working today on refining the musical fireside I will be giving on Sunday to a youth group up in Layton, Utah.  Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself that I can never just do the exact same performance twice--I always have to tweak things and change them and target them to the exact audience I will have, etc.  It makes my life more complicated, but at the same time I love the new things I'm able to learn as I try to improve the program and think of new ways to teach the gospel. I'm praying that whatever I say or sing will bring the spirit so that whoever comes will be able to hear exactly what they need most to learn. 

So, I'll let you know how it goes!

Day #9. Sweet Bedtime.

Ahhhhh.

Some nights I feel like a total slave driver getting my kids ready for bed.  "Okay, come on!  Okay, we're not doing THAT right now...  Alright, I'm ready for you--let's go..." I say over and over as we plow through baths and snacks and pajamas and brushing teeth and the whole bit. Sometimes, by the end,  I'm looking at my watch wondering when I will get to "clock out."

But tonight, we went down to the basement extra early and just took our time getting ready.  No slave driving--just step by step, slowly and happily.  Then the three of us snuggled up together in Ethan's (queen-sized here at Nana's) bed and read extra stories, and sang songs together.  Even after the songs were over, I just stayed there--all warm and cozy between my two little buddies.  I think they could sense the significance that we had completed the routine of everything and yet I was still there with them.  They could feel it that I just wanted to be with them for a little bit longer.

In whispers:
"I love you, Ethan. I love you Jake."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I lah-oo doo, Mom."  



I do believe that's as good as it gets.  :)



Here's the words to one of the songs we sang tonight.  It's one of my favorites from when I was a kid.  And it also fits in very nicely with this little theme of looking up and finding the joy.  



Where is Heaven?
Words and Music by Janice Kapp Perry

I wish I could remember the days before my birth
And if I knew the Father, before I came to Earth.
Was I a child there?  Did I walk with God?  And was that where I learned about the iron rod?


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
Where is Heaven?  Will you show the way?  
I would like to learn and grow and go there someday


I wish I could remember the Father's loving face
And all the friends and family that filled that holy place
In quiet moments, when I'm all alone
I close my eyes and try to see my Heav'nly home


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
I've a feeling--that it's not so far
When you're with the ones you love...
It's right where you are. 


Well, we are definitely missing Kyle, so we're not with ALL the ones we love.
And yet, the Lord is filling up our emptiness--with joy.  :)   

Look Up. Find the Joy. Day #8.

This morning we rode our bikes straight out the GARAGE,
all the way to a park using  SIDEWALKS,
and had an amazing view of the MOUNTAINS the whole way. 

AWESOME!!!!!  

(These are three things I really missed during the last 4 years!)  


It feels so good to be outside!

Day #7. Grid Systems and Old Friends.

Theoretically I have always understood the CONCEPT of a grid system as it relates to streets and blocks.

But I'm not the sharpest tack in the drawer when it comes to cardinal directions and how to get places. 

I don't pay attention at all when other people are driving, and since I've never lived in Salt Lake City, I haven't driven very much there, and consequently have never really cemented practical experience with the grid onto the idea of how it works.  

I'm proud to announce that I think I finally get it.  I sometimes still have to really concentrate and think, "Okay, the temple is north--so that means we are headed south right now, so the block numbers are going to get...LARGER.  Okay."   But I feel like more of an adult now when I get in the car here.  :)  Yay. 
That's joy, right?

 Also, we went to the park today and met up with some awesome friends from Indiana and just got to catch up and let the kids play.  Such a treat! 

"For worthy friends whose live proclaim devotion to the Savior's name
Who bless our days with peace and love
We praise thy goodness, Lord above."


Lots of blessings to count...

Day #6. Piano Duets with Dad.

After a great dinner tonight, my mom played out back with the boys while my Dad and I got to just hang out around the piano together, just like all those times we used to do. We pulled out a book of well-loved piano duets and sat down and played them again.

I remember playing those duets with my sister, Lindsay, and my Dad remembers the practice sounds that filled the house--the whining and grunting as well as the celebration of triumph when we finally got a certain part to sound right. We felt close to Linds tonight, as we savored the fragrance that the music brought.  Here are a few memories that brought me joy today:

*I remember a group of 4 measures in "Valencia" that I literally practiced hours and hours and hours to get just right.  I can still taste the frustration that section gave me!  Ahhhhhh!

*  There's a part where our hands actually crossed and we played several measures with my left hand in between her two hands.  As my Dad and I played, I could remember actually sitting next to her and joking about getting out of my way so I could have the B flat as soon as she was off of it.  New memories of her are such a gift. 

*I remember my piano teacher, Carolyn Shaak,  working with me on one section that has a gorgeous, almost haunting melody line.  I remember her telling me to make "white spots" on my fingernails, which means you have to press firmly enough to voice the melody and make it sing.  I made it sing tonight--and I thought of Carolyn and what an incredible teacher and person she is.

*I remember going up to Ft. Collins to compete in the state duet competition with Lindsay.  I remember the dresses we wore that day, our 80's foofy hair, and the hardwood floor of the stage where the piano was.  I remember the euphoria of winning the competition and feeling like all of those tedious hours were worth it!  (I also randomly remember that on the way home we drove in between two cars on the freeway and one was an Alaska license plate and the other was a Hawaii license plate and I felt like I was charmed.  Weird.)

 Anyway, so we had a little trip down memory lane and I realized what rich soil I had growing up, and how much I love my Dad and his love for music and his desire to give us the best musical experiences and training he possibly could.

So, happy father's day!

Day #5. Creation, Fall, Atonement.

Three important words in the gospel are

Creation
Fall
Atonement

These are the three pillars of eternity.   There was creation of the earth, the fall of man, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that in a nutshell is the plan of salvation.  Well, these three phases are also present on a smaller scale in our lives as we make major transitions or go through processes.

For example:  You get accepted to a college and you get all excited about getting ready, and taking classes, and getting to know people and living "on your own."  That is creation.  Inevitably, though, you reach the time when you have issues with your roommates, the classes are hard or boring, and you start to realize that cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry is lame. This is the fall.  And so, it is because of our "fall" experiences, that we come to need the Atonement.  We need Someone to give us strength, perspective, and assurance during the low times so that we can overcome them and eventually scale to another creation, this time on a higher plane. And in this process we come to know Jesus Christ as He lifts us up to higher ground. 

 Here is one more example of this idea just for fun:
Creation  (literally): "Wow, I'm going to be a mother!  This is incredible. I'm going to go buy cute little onesies and set up the nursery and read books about labor and delivery and tell everyone the exciting news!"

Fall:  "Okay, all of the pregnant people I've seen in my life can't possibly have felt as awful as I feel, can they?  This is so hard.  Nausea. Pain.  Blood sugar roller coaster.  Depression.  Is this ever going to end?!"

Atonement:  "Father, help me to keep perspective and view this as a privilege and to rejoice that I get to bring a child into the world.  Help me to let my spirit emanate light in spite of this mortal prison I am in right now."

I love this concept of Creation, Fall, Atonement,  (thanks, Mom, for teaching me about it!) and it has really helped me during the "fall times" to remember that it's an inevitable part of life, and that it is as we overcome those times THROUGH the atonement, that we find true joy.

So, Monday was definitely a fall day  (That would be day #-1 of this look up/find the joy quest, which was part of the impetus for the whole idea).  Kyle had left, and all the excitement about moving and getting here and seeing family and having fun was totally gone and I was back in the trenches of parenthood.  My kids were grouchy and defiant, suffering from a severe vacation overdose, and I was looking at a looming summer ahead with no money, no structure, no friends, no husband, and no life. I worked hard to prepare a family home evening lesson that turned out to be a total bomb, bedtime was a fight, and everything was a fight.  I was discouraged and feeling like this would be the longest summer of my life.

So, once I recognized that I was in "the fall" phase of this, and I decided to look up.  I plead for help in establishing a routine and being able to re-approach parenthood and figure out how to discipline away from home and away from Kyle, etc.  Since then, I've been trying to determine our priorities and establish some ground rules and a schedule that will work for this unique period of time.  I read in Exodus 25-30 the very specific and detailed instructions that the Lord gives to Moses about how to build the tabernacle and how to ordain priests and how to offer sacrifices, and felt an impression that the Lord could give specific instruction to me too, about the details of my life. I've been trying to ask for guidance and to listen to the promptings that come.

And today, after almost a week of working at it, I felt like things are starting to fall into place.  We're getting into a groove.  We have a bedtime, a wake-up time, a time for family scripture study, time to be outside and get exercise,  and 30 minutes where I'm helping Ethan learn how to read and get excited for school in the fall.  Jake gets an hour nap--no more no less--so that he won't fall apart at 5:30 but yet will also actually go to bed at 8:30.  I have felt inspired to discipline actually MORE, but sooner and calmer and things have been SO much better.  My kids are learning the boundaries and I'm actually having to enforce the rules less as I immediately render simple consequences for crossing them.  So I guess that means that I am in a new creation phase!  (watch out, that means "the fall" is just around the corner...) 

I feel joy in knowing that God really does know me and He cares about the details of my life.  He wants to help me.  I know that He will rain down the manna we need as we travel through this wilderness--during this particular transition, and for the rest of our lives.

 and if you need a good laugh today, to remember you're not the only one who has ever been in "the fall," check this out)

Day #4. Zumba and Clean Bathrooms

So I got a rec center pass for me and the boys so we can do some fun things during our time here.  I am totally loving Zumba.  It's  workout class where you dance to latin music and I'm not very good at it, but I am having a ball.  And that is where I found joy today.  I haven't always been able to enjoy things that I'm not very good at, but I feel like I'm learning how.  I wasn't comparing myself to other people or setting a goal of how good I have to get at it before I can relax and have fun.  I was just spinning all over the place trying to keep up and feeling grateful to be having so much fun while getting good exercise. And man, I'm sore in muscles I didn't know I even had. :)

Also, I had a monumental moment.  I cleaned a bathroom today (2 actually) and it wasn't my nasty bathroom in my apartment!!!  It's such a silly thing, but it honestly dragged me down every time I cleaned our bathroom because it never looked any better after I was done!  The caulking was still nasty, the paint splatters were still on the faucet, the perma stains on the mirror never went away, and the I still knew that there was hair underneath the last layer of paint on the walls.  Blech.  Today, the floors gleamed after I mopped them, the mirrors sparkled, and I felt like I had actually accomplished something.  Woo hoo!!! 


"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."    Which is really great when you do the nasty first and then move to the nice.  Oh, and did I mention that I have enough counter space to put my hair dryer, my brush, and my curling iron on the counter at the same time?!?! And that I can plug 2 appliances in at the same time?!?!  I'm in the lap of luxury, I know.

Day #3. The hole in the fence.

So there was a huge windstorm yesterday that blew two planks right out of my parent's fence in their backyard. Ethan thought it was pretty cool--and when I told him to be careful if he went outside because he might blow away, he actually squinted his eyes and studied me to detect whether I was kidding or not.  Ha.

Anyway, my parents have granted permission to the neighborhood kids to cut through their yard as a shortcut, so occasionally I see random teenagers walking into or out of their yard.  Today, while I was at the kitchen sink, there was a shaggy-haired boy, probably about 15, who kept fidgeting with the gate latch, unable to get it open.  I could tell he was getting embarrassed and a little bit flustered.  As he looked up, presumably to see whether he was being mocked, he noticed, to his surprise, the huge hole in the fence, about 20 feet down, from where the wind had knocked the planks out. He looked around for a second, as if to make sure no one was watching (which was hilarious because I could see the whole thing and he had no clue), and then abandoned the gate latch and just slipped right through the hole in the fence and onto wherever he was going.

I'm not sure why that incident made me smile so much, but every time I have thought of it today I just get giggly inside.  Is it because there is humor in the idea that we think other people can't see us even when they can?  Is it just funny to see someone struggle with something simple because I have been in that situation so many times?  Maybe I just love the moment of decision, where he seemed to be determining whether it would be "cheating" to give up on the latch and just take the easy way.  But why mess with an annoying latch when you can just walk through a hole in the fence, right?  I guess I can't explain it.  It's just funny to me.

So there you have it.  A silly little thing I found on my joy hunt today.

Maybe next time I find myself getting flustered over a problem I will think of that kid I saw today and remind myself to step back, LOOK UP, and take a different approach. Maybe there will be a ridiculously simple solution right in front of my face... :)

Look Up. Find the Joy. Day #2.

Parachute Packers.

It's nice to wake up early sometimes and get a start on the day before the craziness begins.  I've done that the last few days. But it was so great this morning to hear the boys wake up while I was still laying in bed and have them come snuggle under the covers with me and tell me about their dreams as we giggled ourselves awake.  Those days when they were teeny and I had been up feeding them all night and I thought I was going to DIE of sleep deprivation?  Well, they were worth it.  Even just for that 10 minutes.  :)

Also, I found joy in feeling gratitude for my "parachute packers."  Go read this article for a more detailed explanation of what that means, but basically a Vietnam War fighter pilot one day got to meet the sailor who had packed his parachutes years ago and it really made him think about all the people in his life who worked
to do amazing things for him that he may not ever have thanked or even noticed.   

He says:   

"How about the person who helped you learn to read? To ride a bicycle? To hit a baseball? What about the adults who volunteered in youth groups in which you were involved? The person who gave you a recommendation for college, or the person who helped to get you in the door for a job interview?
There are many parachute packers in our lives. Spouses, parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors and friends. Mothers who packed our lunches every day and carefully washed and prepared our clothes for school. Fathers who worked longer hours or took a second job so that we could have music or dance lessons. Grandparents who helped us pay for college education. They all labored tirelessly, packing our parachutes."

So the first time I thought about that idea today was this morning when my blood sugar was low-- and instead of eating crusty, old, glucose tablets that have been in the car for at least a year (like I have been since we moved a month ago), I went out to the fridge and had some chilled apple juice that Kyle had specifically bought for me and thought to even refrigerate as a nice favor before he left.  It was just a little bitty nice thing to do, but it put a giant smile on my face, even while I was lightheaded and anxious. It's really neat to be the beneficiary of some else's thoughtfulness.


A little while later, as I was doing laundry, I decided to fold a load of my mom's since she was at work.  I can't tell you how great it felt to be doing her laundry!  After 7 years of marriage and 2 kids I have a totally different appreciation for all of the clothes my mom washed and folded for me while I was off taking piano lessons and playing soccer and running student council meetings.  I felt a surge of gratitude for all of the mundane and yet incredibly important and meaningful little tasks my mom did for me while I was growing up.  

She packed a lot of parachutes for me.  :)   
So today I found joy in folding one teeny load of laundry for her.  

Look Up. Find the Joy. The 40 Day Journey.

Okay, I think this is going to be kind of fun.

Well, let me explain first.  My husband started his first day of work on Monday (I still can't believe we're finally done with school!) and we decided to have me and the boys stay in Utah with my parents for a month and a half or so while Kyle saves up a few paychecks and then we'll join in at the beginning of August.  I'm imagining that we are back in days of the wild frontier and he is going alone, to tame the prairie and build a place for us, and then he'll send for me once he gets our little home with a white picket fence all set up.  ha.  But we do feel good about doing things this way and I know everything will work out and that the time we'll pass and we'll get through it.  I am a little bit concerned, though, that this summer is going to get LONG and HOT and that I will get tired of not being in my real life with a real schedule and a real husband and that I will get burned out of parenting and the limbo time of this transition.

So, while I am seeing things clearly, I've decided to begin a little adventure.  I realized that we have about 40 days (or so) to be here, and that seems to be a great amount of time to experience real spiritual growth, so I'm going to try something.  I'm going to see if I can find at least one way, every day, to really look up and find the joy.  And then, even if it's just one sentence, I will post a daily telling of my discoveries.

To me, this will be more than just an exercise in positive thinking.  "Looking up" doesn't just mean looking on the bright side.  It means pointing our eyes toward Heaven, toward God, and praying for the eyes to SEE how He is blessing us and tailoring our experiences to our needs.  And "finding the joy" is more than just focusing on something good that happened that day--it is gathering the good, the bad, and the ugly all together and finding ways to rejoice that we get to experience the whole thing.  Not joy in spite of the hard stuff, but because of it, and through it. Well, that's some lofty philosophy.  Now we'll see how well I can do.  :)  Here goes...

So today is Look Up.  Find the Joy.  #1:

 I found joy today as I reflected on my "reading time" with Ethan.  I'm really trying to dedicate time to help Ethan learn to dig in and painstakingly sound out words.  He is not loving it, and is not exactly catching the vision that I have for him, but he is making some progress and I just know that he is going to feel ecstatic when he figures it out and starts being able to read things by himself!!  I am so excited for him to get the hang of words and sentences and then be able to read books and LEARN stuff and KNOW things and read the scriptures and write things down... Reading will unlock a new world of possibilities for him.  I see it so clearly, but he doesn't really have any way to understand that yet.
As I pondered about all that tonight, I realized that God feels the same way about me.  Spiritually, I am still learning--and  trying to figure out what love is and how to express it better, and why I shouldn't covet and how I can really access the power that is available to me through focused prayer and scripture study, etc.    I wonder if the gap between my potential and my actual ability is frustrating to Him at times and He wishes He could somehow help me to see what is possible if I would just come to Him.  And yet, because of the way I love Ethan and the joy that I feel from just watching him sound out the word "help" all by himself, I caught a glimpse today of the vision the Lord has for me and who I can become if I spend a little time each day letting him teach me and putting forth some honest effort to try to understand.  I don't know all that He has in store for His children, but from my limited parental experience, I can guess that we can't even begin to comprehend how incredible the possibilities are.
I found joy today in the thought that God is my teacher, and my friend.  I am just struggling to sound out the words sometimes, but I know that He has plans for me, and that He will patiently walk me through, sentence by sentence, page by page, and that over time the mysteries of His kingdom can be unfolded to me, in ways that are beyond my ability to even imagine.


So there you have it.  Day #1.  Let the journey begin...

The video project in the room of requirement.

Wow, that was fun. 

Last night I got to work on a little filming project for a medley of pioneer hymns that I arranged.  We've been up in Rexburg this week, hanging out with my my husband's family, and this is also where we went to college, at BYU-Idaho.  I've been trying to concoct a plan for how to get a video of me singing this arrangement so that I can share it with people for the 24th of July, but my list of assets doesn't include even a hay penny right now, so we had to get creative. Anyway, I found a student from BYU-Idaho majoring in communications who agreed to shoot the song, both of us viewing it as a free opportunity to get experience and share a message of faith. 

It turned out to be a bit tricky to nail down a location since all the best pianos on campus can only be reserved by real music department people (shucks, I'm a has been!), so we decided to meet up at a certain room in the student center that has a grand piano (that I was 70 % sure would be locked) and then just see what we could find.  We got there, and of course the room was locked.  A few other options in that building were being used by other groups. Okay.  I know this is going to work, but how?!

Well, I've been reading in Exodus about the children of Israel, and I have really been trying to be less whiny and murmury than they were on their journey.  You know, every time they run up against an obstacle of any sort (huge ocean in the way, no water, no food, etc.) they start to freak out and basically say, "Moses, why did you even bring us here?  It would have been better to be slaves in Egypt still, rather than die here in the wilderness."  Whenever I read their story, since of course I know how it ends, I think, "Come on, people!  Have a little faith!  God is going to PART the Red Sea, and he's going to rain food down from the sky for 40 years, so stop having a conniption.  It's all going to work out."  So last night, as I started to get anxious and wonder how and where we were going to shoot this video, I thought of those whiny children of Israel and caught myself before I started to complain. Instead, I said, "Okay, Lord. You have brought me this far.   We've got a website.  We've got a blog. We've got an arrangement.  We've got a message worth sharing.  We've got a camera, some mics, a lighting kit, and two people who want to share the gospel through music.  Now all we need is a room with a piano that we can use." 

I went back upstairs where we had been looking, but this time into a new hallway that hadn't been built yet when I was a student here.  I kept walking, and looking in rooms, and as I got to the last door,  I knew somehow: This is going to be it.  I opened the door to a room that said "Special Events," and then found myself in a room with 2 huge walls of curtains, a nice plant, and a gorgeous grand piano gleaming at me.  And it wasn't even locked!  Have you read the Harry Potter books? I totally felt like I was at Hogwarts and I had walked into the "room of requirement!"  Seriously, I imagined in my mind what kind of room we would need to shoot the video, and when I walked in, everything we needed was right there! 

So anyway, I don't mean to overdramatize the whole thing, but I really do believe in miracles, however small, and I know that God can plant ideas in our minds or give us power beyond our own to help us get through whatever obstacles are blocking our path.  And for me, in the moment of solution to the problems, I see the hand of the Lord and I know that He is aware of me. I felt that last night.  I think it happens more often than I realize, and I'm praying for the eyes to be able to see it.

This is what's in my heart about this whole project, and all of the other crazy musical adventures I undertake:

Alma 26:30, 35-37
30  ...and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some.
35    Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36    ...for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.
37    Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.


I'm excited to see how the video turns out!
I'll let you know when it's done!

Em

The charityistics (as antidotes for misery)

Have we talked about the charityistics?  That's what I call the list of descriptors from Moroni 7:45--"Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things."

Well, that scripture is a bit overwhelming to me because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be all of those things.  That's why I like to break it down into bite-size chunks and focus on one attribute, or "charityistic" at a time.  I can try to be kind today, and try not to envy tomorrow, and just take things one day at a time. 

As I have pondered about what it really means to suffer long and to not be easily provoked and all the rest, God has taught me some amazing things. Sometimes when I am frustrated or struggling and I can't figure out why, He teaches me that a simple application of one of these charitystics is the antidote to my unhappiness.  Here's an example:

Several weeks after my oldest son was born, I still felt so weak and tired and like I would never be able to physically handle anything again.  We went for a short walk down to a nearby park and when I couldn't even it make it back up the hill I was so angry inside!  I grumbled to myself: "I want my body back!!  This is taking too long!"  When I got home I was musing over my bad attitude in the shower and was honestly trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time.
And then I heard this in my mind:  "Charity suffereth long, Em." 

"What? Suffereth long? 
Oh.  Like even longer than I already have.
Okay... I guess I can do that."

"This is a child of God you have brought into the world.  And yeah, it's been rough for a lot of months and now several weeks. But you can suffer longer.  There is eternal significance and value to this."

"Alright. Charity suffereth long.  Longer.  Charity suffereth long."

I found more joy in motherhood during the days following that discovery.  As I really focused on it, and prayed for help, I felt happier, and strengthened in my quest to suffer longer for an eternal, worthwhile, cause.

So, right now life is a bit wild and we are transitioning from Indiana to Colorado and visting and living with lots of family.  We are mostly loving it, and trying to be flexible and embrace the chaos and just enjoy our time.  But occasionaly, when things get too crowded or too complicated or too crazy, and I feel like my kindness is getting wrung out, the Spirit will whisper to my mind:

"Charity seeketh not her own. Charity seeketh not her own.  Don't get all focused on your self and your own needs.  Zoom out for a minute and see the whole picture."

And then I pray that I will be able to stop seeking my own and seek the needs of someone else in the equation instead.  And soon my perspective is renewed and my cup overflows with joy again. It's kind of amazing, actually.

So, whatever emotional soup you are cooking these days, if it feels like it's about to boil over, try adding a little dash of a charitiyistic. Pick any one you like.  And then pray that He will help you live it, even for just 5 minutes.  Maybe it will help you look up and find the joy today.   :)