Day #11. Little playmates.

When Jake came home from the hospital, Ethan was indifferent.  Jake may as well have been a limp baby doll.  There were days when (somewhat influenced by those nasty post partum hormones) that I would just have a break down because I had always pictured my kids loving each other and there seemed to be no connection whatsoever.  As Jake has gotten older, things have gotten better and better, and   I love that my boys are now becoming good friends! 

This summer, away from their usual friends and structured activities, they are really learning to play together and be creative and have fun.  We set up an inflatable pool in the backyard today and let them run around through the sprinkler and splash in the pool and just be crazy.  Wasn't I just barely doing that with my own siblings?  Wow.  Today, as I watched them run and laugh together,  I had glimpses in my mind of them singing in choir together or playing on the same sports team, or going on camp-outs together, or just talking as friends years down the road.  I'm sure there will be miles of yelling and fighting and refusing to share between now and then, and even then, but it brought me joy today to see that they really do love each other. 

I may need to come back and read this post in a few days when I feel like all I did all day was referee and try to teach my children to share and take turns... :)

Day #10. Best Friends and Firesides.

I talked to my best friend from high school today. We've kept in touch, but haven't been able to see each other for about 4 years--woah!  So, we just planned our weekend and she is going to come over on Saturday to hang out and then spend the night, just like old times.  I'm so excited!!! 

I've also been working today on refining the musical fireside I will be giving on Sunday to a youth group up in Layton, Utah.  Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself that I can never just do the exact same performance twice--I always have to tweak things and change them and target them to the exact audience I will have, etc.  It makes my life more complicated, but at the same time I love the new things I'm able to learn as I try to improve the program and think of new ways to teach the gospel. I'm praying that whatever I say or sing will bring the spirit so that whoever comes will be able to hear exactly what they need most to learn. 

So, I'll let you know how it goes!

Day #9. Sweet Bedtime.

Ahhhhh.

Some nights I feel like a total slave driver getting my kids ready for bed.  "Okay, come on!  Okay, we're not doing THAT right now...  Alright, I'm ready for you--let's go..." I say over and over as we plow through baths and snacks and pajamas and brushing teeth and the whole bit. Sometimes, by the end,  I'm looking at my watch wondering when I will get to "clock out."

But tonight, we went down to the basement extra early and just took our time getting ready.  No slave driving--just step by step, slowly and happily.  Then the three of us snuggled up together in Ethan's (queen-sized here at Nana's) bed and read extra stories, and sang songs together.  Even after the songs were over, I just stayed there--all warm and cozy between my two little buddies.  I think they could sense the significance that we had completed the routine of everything and yet I was still there with them.  They could feel it that I just wanted to be with them for a little bit longer.

In whispers:
"I love you, Ethan. I love you Jake."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I lah-oo doo, Mom."  



I do believe that's as good as it gets.  :)



Here's the words to one of the songs we sang tonight.  It's one of my favorites from when I was a kid.  And it also fits in very nicely with this little theme of looking up and finding the joy.  



Where is Heaven?
Words and Music by Janice Kapp Perry

I wish I could remember the days before my birth
And if I knew the Father, before I came to Earth.
Was I a child there?  Did I walk with God?  And was that where I learned about the iron rod?


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
Where is Heaven?  Will you show the way?  
I would like to learn and grow and go there someday


I wish I could remember the Father's loving face
And all the friends and family that filled that holy place
In quiet moments, when I'm all alone
I close my eyes and try to see my Heav'nly home


Where is Heaven?  Is it very far?  
I would like to know if it's beyond the brightest star...
I've a feeling--that it's not so far
When you're with the ones you love...
It's right where you are. 


Well, we are definitely missing Kyle, so we're not with ALL the ones we love.
And yet, the Lord is filling up our emptiness--with joy.  :)   

Look Up. Find the Joy. Day #8.

This morning we rode our bikes straight out the GARAGE,
all the way to a park using  SIDEWALKS,
and had an amazing view of the MOUNTAINS the whole way. 

AWESOME!!!!!  

(These are three things I really missed during the last 4 years!)  


It feels so good to be outside!

Day #7. Grid Systems and Old Friends.

Theoretically I have always understood the CONCEPT of a grid system as it relates to streets and blocks.

But I'm not the sharpest tack in the drawer when it comes to cardinal directions and how to get places. 

I don't pay attention at all when other people are driving, and since I've never lived in Salt Lake City, I haven't driven very much there, and consequently have never really cemented practical experience with the grid onto the idea of how it works.  

I'm proud to announce that I think I finally get it.  I sometimes still have to really concentrate and think, "Okay, the temple is north--so that means we are headed south right now, so the block numbers are going to get...LARGER.  Okay."   But I feel like more of an adult now when I get in the car here.  :)  Yay. 
That's joy, right?

 Also, we went to the park today and met up with some awesome friends from Indiana and just got to catch up and let the kids play.  Such a treat! 

"For worthy friends whose live proclaim devotion to the Savior's name
Who bless our days with peace and love
We praise thy goodness, Lord above."


Lots of blessings to count...

Day #6. Piano Duets with Dad.

After a great dinner tonight, my mom played out back with the boys while my Dad and I got to just hang out around the piano together, just like all those times we used to do. We pulled out a book of well-loved piano duets and sat down and played them again.

I remember playing those duets with my sister, Lindsay, and my Dad remembers the practice sounds that filled the house--the whining and grunting as well as the celebration of triumph when we finally got a certain part to sound right. We felt close to Linds tonight, as we savored the fragrance that the music brought.  Here are a few memories that brought me joy today:

*I remember a group of 4 measures in "Valencia" that I literally practiced hours and hours and hours to get just right.  I can still taste the frustration that section gave me!  Ahhhhhh!

*  There's a part where our hands actually crossed and we played several measures with my left hand in between her two hands.  As my Dad and I played, I could remember actually sitting next to her and joking about getting out of my way so I could have the B flat as soon as she was off of it.  New memories of her are such a gift. 

*I remember my piano teacher, Carolyn Shaak,  working with me on one section that has a gorgeous, almost haunting melody line.  I remember her telling me to make "white spots" on my fingernails, which means you have to press firmly enough to voice the melody and make it sing.  I made it sing tonight--and I thought of Carolyn and what an incredible teacher and person she is.

*I remember going up to Ft. Collins to compete in the state duet competition with Lindsay.  I remember the dresses we wore that day, our 80's foofy hair, and the hardwood floor of the stage where the piano was.  I remember the euphoria of winning the competition and feeling like all of those tedious hours were worth it!  (I also randomly remember that on the way home we drove in between two cars on the freeway and one was an Alaska license plate and the other was a Hawaii license plate and I felt like I was charmed.  Weird.)

 Anyway, so we had a little trip down memory lane and I realized what rich soil I had growing up, and how much I love my Dad and his love for music and his desire to give us the best musical experiences and training he possibly could.

So, happy father's day!

Day #5. Creation, Fall, Atonement.

Three important words in the gospel are

Creation
Fall
Atonement

These are the three pillars of eternity.   There was creation of the earth, the fall of man, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that in a nutshell is the plan of salvation.  Well, these three phases are also present on a smaller scale in our lives as we make major transitions or go through processes.

For example:  You get accepted to a college and you get all excited about getting ready, and taking classes, and getting to know people and living "on your own."  That is creation.  Inevitably, though, you reach the time when you have issues with your roommates, the classes are hard or boring, and you start to realize that cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry is lame. This is the fall.  And so, it is because of our "fall" experiences, that we come to need the Atonement.  We need Someone to give us strength, perspective, and assurance during the low times so that we can overcome them and eventually scale to another creation, this time on a higher plane. And in this process we come to know Jesus Christ as He lifts us up to higher ground. 

 Here is one more example of this idea just for fun:
Creation  (literally): "Wow, I'm going to be a mother!  This is incredible. I'm going to go buy cute little onesies and set up the nursery and read books about labor and delivery and tell everyone the exciting news!"

Fall:  "Okay, all of the pregnant people I've seen in my life can't possibly have felt as awful as I feel, can they?  This is so hard.  Nausea. Pain.  Blood sugar roller coaster.  Depression.  Is this ever going to end?!"

Atonement:  "Father, help me to keep perspective and view this as a privilege and to rejoice that I get to bring a child into the world.  Help me to let my spirit emanate light in spite of this mortal prison I am in right now."

I love this concept of Creation, Fall, Atonement,  (thanks, Mom, for teaching me about it!) and it has really helped me during the "fall times" to remember that it's an inevitable part of life, and that it is as we overcome those times THROUGH the atonement, that we find true joy.

So, Monday was definitely a fall day  (That would be day #-1 of this look up/find the joy quest, which was part of the impetus for the whole idea).  Kyle had left, and all the excitement about moving and getting here and seeing family and having fun was totally gone and I was back in the trenches of parenthood.  My kids were grouchy and defiant, suffering from a severe vacation overdose, and I was looking at a looming summer ahead with no money, no structure, no friends, no husband, and no life. I worked hard to prepare a family home evening lesson that turned out to be a total bomb, bedtime was a fight, and everything was a fight.  I was discouraged and feeling like this would be the longest summer of my life.

So, once I recognized that I was in "the fall" phase of this, and I decided to look up.  I plead for help in establishing a routine and being able to re-approach parenthood and figure out how to discipline away from home and away from Kyle, etc.  Since then, I've been trying to determine our priorities and establish some ground rules and a schedule that will work for this unique period of time.  I read in Exodus 25-30 the very specific and detailed instructions that the Lord gives to Moses about how to build the tabernacle and how to ordain priests and how to offer sacrifices, and felt an impression that the Lord could give specific instruction to me too, about the details of my life. I've been trying to ask for guidance and to listen to the promptings that come.

And today, after almost a week of working at it, I felt like things are starting to fall into place.  We're getting into a groove.  We have a bedtime, a wake-up time, a time for family scripture study, time to be outside and get exercise,  and 30 minutes where I'm helping Ethan learn how to read and get excited for school in the fall.  Jake gets an hour nap--no more no less--so that he won't fall apart at 5:30 but yet will also actually go to bed at 8:30.  I have felt inspired to discipline actually MORE, but sooner and calmer and things have been SO much better.  My kids are learning the boundaries and I'm actually having to enforce the rules less as I immediately render simple consequences for crossing them.  So I guess that means that I am in a new creation phase!  (watch out, that means "the fall" is just around the corner...) 

I feel joy in knowing that God really does know me and He cares about the details of my life.  He wants to help me.  I know that He will rain down the manna we need as we travel through this wilderness--during this particular transition, and for the rest of our lives.

 and if you need a good laugh today, to remember you're not the only one who has ever been in "the fall," check this out)