Day #40. (Okay, #42.) The View From The Top.

(Ha!  I wrote this post in July and realized that it has been an unpublished draft this whole time.  Better late than never, right?  So this post should be dated July 27th. It is now September 21st.)

Well, Sunday was actually day #40, but I've been wanting to write up a kind of grand finale to this 40 day journey I have been on to look up and find the joy.  I'm glad I waited, because today is garbage day, and I learned something cool this morning that feels like the cherry on top of this whole experience to help me understand what I've learned.  

I woke up early and went for a walk this morning.  (My body had other ideas, so this required some serious "mind over mattress," but I felt like I should get up and go for a walk, so after a little cajoling and encouragement, my spirit was able to convince my body to get vertical and get a move on.)  To my surprise, both of my parents cars were already gone, so with sleeping kiddos I decided to just power-walk up and back the block right in front of the house.

It's Tuesday. Garbage Day.  So everyone had their garbage cans sitting on the curb.  Recycling in the blue bin, and garbage in the black one.  There were two containers paired up in front of each house.  I thought about how the garbage gets to those cans and reflected on all the sorting we all do every day.  We sort between clean and dirty, recycling and garbage, forks and knives, or blocks and cars.  And it's not very hard to tell, right?  We just take a look at the item--empty jar of applesauce--and determine what it is and therefore where it needs to go--recycling.

As I walked along beside these garbage cans (over and over!) it got me thinking, and I heard the Holy Ghost tell me in my mind,

"This is what your joy hunt has been all about."

As is typical with impressions I get, I didn't quite understand the first time.

"Huh?"

"This is what you've accomplished over the last 40 days.  You've been able to sort through all the events of this summer and sort through which actions and feelings will produce joy, and then kick the rest to the curb.  And when you get rid of all those other feelings that belong in the garbage, you have so much more room to be able to feel joy."

Oh wow!  That's a cool idea!  (I love it, I can hear the roar of the garbage truck, as we speak, going from house to house, beeping backwards and dumping.  PERFECT.)  I reflected on the events of the summer and realized that having such a clear focus on joy really has helped me to sort through all of my choices and has made it easier to just say,
"Oh, this is self-pity.  That doesn't go in the joy bin, so I have to just chuck it." 
Or  
"Oh, I know what this is.  This is anger.  That doesn't go in my joy bin, so I'm tossing it." 
What a blessing!  As I walked by the garbage cans and imagined what all the houses would look like inside if they didn't participate in the daily ritual of sorting and the weekly ritual of emptying the cans, I pictured entire rooms full of junk, and people tripping over cereal boxes, and kitchens smelling like old food, and bedrooms smelling like stinky diapers, and yuck yuck yuck.  That physical stuff is mostly obvious to us.  But what if we don't participate in the daily ritual of sorting out our choices and the weekly ritual of getting rid of the ones that don't go in the joy bin?  Well, we get bogged down with things like frustration, and fear, and hatred, and we start tripping over resentment and ingratitude, and envy and bitterness can bring a gagging aroma into our lives that makes us miserable and negatively affects everyone around us.

So I'm now thinking about the garbage truck.  There are a few conditions about the removal of your garbage, right?  It's illegal to just go chucking your stuff in some random dumpster.  You have to be signed up for the service, you have to have a certain kind of garbage can, you have to set it out at the right time, but if you do, then your garbage is permanently removed from your life.  You never have to deal with it ever again.   I felt this morning, in a surprising and delightful way, the reality of those principles for my spiritual life.  I don't need to just wish and hope that I will someday be able to get rid of negative feelings and sins.  I just need to keep sorting through daily, what things are of God and what things aren't, and then give up whatever doesn't tend toward joy.  Once I let go, God can permanently remove those things from my life. They can be gone forever in some spiritual landfill that I will never see.  As I go to church each week to take the sacrament, I can think of it as spiritually taking out the garbage.  I can take time to have sorted through the things that I have done and said and felt and thought, determine which things need to be chucked, and then ask the Lord to take them away.  I can set my sins on the curb, and He has the power to do the rest. 

As I finished my walk, I found myself asking,  

"what are some feelings I have right now that I need to throw away today?"

And of course a few things came to my mind, and the Holy Ghost helped me to recognize them for what they are, and I felt a desire to just get rid of them.  So I'm setting them out on the curb today.

 Well, I feel like I could keep writing about this for hours, (I'm imagining in my head what resentment would actually look like if we could pick it up to sort it--would it be slimy and drippy so we'd hold it with just two fingers, or would it be heavy and awkward, so we have to drag it backwards?  How about fear? What would it look like?)  but those sleeping kiddos are awake and life is moving on.  :)

So I am signing off from the blogging world for awhile.  This week we are getting ready to make the drive to Colorado, and then on Saturday we will be moved in to our new house, reunited with Kyle, and getting to start the beginning of the rest of our lives!  I'm excited.  And also grateful for the slower pace of life I've enjoyed over the last few weeks, and the things I've learned that I'm hoping to take with me.  I feel like I've climbed a mountain, and now I'm standing at the top for a few minutes just enjoying the view.


 Time to hike back down and get to work!!  But I think I'm going to be on a joy hunt for the rest of my life...

Day #39. True to the Truth for Which Martyrs Have Perished...

What a great pioneer day.  We decided to brave the crowds and have the experience of going to the "Days of '47" Pioneer Day parade.  My dad went early and staked out a spot for us and then we parked at my mom's work and walked to where my dad was. The theme of the parade was "Then and Now" and so each float had a representation of how things were for the pioneers and how they are for us today.  One float said on it, "From ink to hyperlink" and the front half was people sitting in old fashioned pews in pioneer period church clothes, with a man preaching to them and a giant quill pen.  The back half of the float had a huge silver satellite, and a family sitting on a couch looking at a huge screen of President Monson in General Conference.  It was neat to reflect on the things that are different and the things that are the same, and how we can each do our part to keep building God's kingdom and sharing the gospel. 

Tonight, I sat out on the back porch and read some more of this book that I am loving so much, "Fire in the Bones," about William Tyndale and the movement to translate and distribute the Bible in English.  I never really realized how much opposition there was to what seems now such a basic idea, and with that, never realized how many hundreds if not thousands of reformers and common men participated in clandestine operations to print and smuggle copies of the English New Testament, as they tried to avoid being punished by the church.  Ultimately Tyndale (and many others) was martyred for all of his "heresy" and wickedness," but he had a vision that was much greater than even his own life. 

"Some men will ask," he wrote, "Why I take the labour to make this work, insomcuh as they will burn it, seeing they burnt the gospel?  I answer In burning the New Testament they did none other thing that that I looked for: no more shall they do, if they burn me also, if it be God's will it shall be so.  Nevertheless, in translating the New Testament I did my duty, and so do I now, and will do as much more as God hath ordained me to do." 

I've sometimes wondered why the Lord "let" the earth be without the truths of the restored gospel for so many years, but I am starting to understand better the divine choreography of the centuries, and how so many people and causes and inventions and even rebellions had to be part of the whole master plan.  I am humbled and grateful for the countless men and women, named and unnamed, who spent their lives doing what God ordained them to do. Each of their little bricks combined together has built a mighty castle indeed.

I sat down tonight to play through my arrangement of Come, Come, Ye Saints in preparation to sing it in sacrament meeting tomorrow, and as I got to the part where I sing "True to the truth for which martyrs have perished" my heart was brimming with gratitude and respect and awe for William Tyndale and others like him who dedicated their lives to truth.  (my eyes were kind of brimming too.) 

I hope the rest of the song will be descriptive of my life, and that I will be able to accomplish the things God has ordained me to do.

"To God's command, soul, heart, and hand
Faithful and true we will ever stand."


Okay, and one more awesome quote from Mr. Tyndale--he wrote this in one of his treatises, but I think it's as good as scripture:

"Also remember, that His Son's blood is stronger than all the sins and wickedness of the whole world; and therewith quiet thyself, and thereunto commit thyself, and bless thyself in all temptation...with that holy candle."

Joy, joy, joy.
That's what I feel when I think about this stuff.

Day #38. A little recipe for joy.

My parents have this quote on their refrigerator, so I have seen it a lot over the last few months.  It's from Howard W. Hunter, a former prophet of the church.  I think that each of the actions he suggest for us to do can create joy for us and others. Every single one. So, I'll call this...
  

A Prophet's Recipe for Joy:

Mend a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a letter.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise. 
Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Apologize.
Try to understand. 
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Laugh a little more.
Express your gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. 
Speak your love and then speak it again."


Isn't that the best?

I dare you to pick one an focus on doing it this week.  I'll do it too.  :)  

Day #37. The Video is Done!!!

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!  I have been so excited to share this!  Happy Pioneer Day!

I found a lot of joy in writing this arrangement, and in feeling such a connection with my ancestors as I did.  I feel a lot of joy right now, that we have completed it, and that all the little obstacles in getting it to this point have been overcome.  You can  read about the making of the video here if you want a little bit more background.

So here it is!  The first video is the song itself, and the second video is me explaining some of the meaning in the music.  Enjoy!  (And share this with people who will too!)

Double click on the video and it will take your right to YouTube where you will get a wider view. :)

Day #36. Exercise!

I Dance Dance Revoluted for a good hour today.  I was sweating and breathing hard and having a blast.  Woo hoo!  And, my mom stayed with Jake at home tonight so I could swim laps while Ethan was at swim lessons.  I will admit that I was breathing embarrassingly hard after only 2 lengths, and after 4 my quads were screaming, but I kept at it for 30 minutes, and it felt good.  (And tonight, at about 10:30 I was STARVING.) 

Anyway, I'm mindful today that our bodies are an incredible gift, and I feel joy when I fill my day with things that help me take the best care of mine. 

Only 3 more days until my 40 day Joy Hunt will officially come to an end!  Just another week after that and we will move into our house and I will get to feel like we're married again! 

Look Up.  Find the Joy. 
Em

Day #35. Fire In the Bones.

I have loved and devoured everything I've ever heard or read by S. Michael Wilcox.  He is such a gospel scholar and so insightful, and has a way of making historical figures come alive as real human beings as he relates their stories.  He did his dissertation on C.S. Lewis and I love the hour long talk he gives, condensing the things he learned in that whole process.  Awesome stuff.

Anyway, so I'm reading a book of his right now called "Fire in the Bones," all about William Tyndale's journey and eventual martyrdom as he took it upon himself to translate the Bible into English, from Greek, for the first time in its entirety.  I am learning so many cool things.  If I ever think I'm too busy to read the scriptures, I need to read this quotation again and remember what an incredible thing it is that we have the words of God, in our language, at our fingertips:

This is about the itinerant preachers that John Wycliffe sent out in the 1400's. 
"They shared manuscript translations in taverns, village greens, forests, and private homes with all who dared to listen.  Because manuscripts were costly and time-consuming to produce, many of Wycliffe's followers traveled with a single gospel, committing whole books to memory to partially escape the prohibitions of the law.  In the twilight, after the days' work was done, the blacksmiths and coopers gathered by the flicker of a candle or the glow of a hearth to hear the prized words recalled from memory or read from tattered parchments until too frequent readings turned the rag paper to dust.  Many of those caught preaching scripture in the mother tongue were burned with the offending translations hung around their necks, tall conical hats perched mockingly on their heads. "

Wow, that just gives me the chills.  Do we read the words of God with as much thrill as those blacksmiths and coopers?  Do we treasure every phrase that is available to us--to teach us the true gospel and change our lives as we live by the teachings? 

What an inspiring image.  I found joy today in understanding a little bit better how many good men, for centuries, hacked away at the mission of translating, printing, and distributing the Bible to the common man--against incredible opposition.  And now, I have access to about 10 copies, in my house alone, that I can read whenever I want.  Makes me not want to be "too tired" or "too busy" to feast on those words.  :)

Day #34. Monday, Monday, so good to me...

Clean laundry. 
Clean sheets.
Papers organized.
Stuff cleaned up. 


Ahhhh. 


That's what Monday's are for, right?


And now, I will help myself have more joy TOMORROW by exercising the self-discipline to go to bed. 
 I was so tired today.  Up too late too many nights in a row.... :)
Goodnight!

Day #33. So much joy, so little time.

Okay, if I try to post about all the little pieces of joy I am finding every day, I will never get any sleep.  :)  In one of my favorite Cherie Call songs, called "Believe," the bridge says, "It's in the way you see the glass--once you know that it's half full it overflows...every time that you believe..."  I love that.  And I am starting to feel that way as I am developing the eyes to better see and recognize my blessings.

So, do I give a superficial list of several things, or pick one and write about it....?

Pick one.  Okay.


This morning my Dad and I got to go sing a few musical numbers at Silverado, an Alzheimer's nursing home.  They hold an official sacrament meeting in this home every Sunday, and members of the stake take turns giving talks and presenting musical numbers.  I felt so lucky that I got to go feel of the spirit that was there today.  We walked into the assembly room and a woman was playing prelude music on the piano.  One of the alzheimer's patients was sitting right at the front of the room, boisterously (but impressively in tune) singing along:  "Count your many blessings see what God has done."  When she didn't know the words she would just sing, "Dum dee dee dee dum dee doo dee dooo..."  She was delightful.  And I can tell you that I don't envy her mortal circumstance one bit, but if she can still sing about counting your blessings then we all can, right?!  I  went and sat by her for the opening hymn and just reveled in getting to feel of who she was inside as I listened to her sing.
One woman was all decked out in a fancy purple dress with nylons, and velvet heels.  I could tell it was important to her, or someone that cares for her, that she be nicely dressed for church.  She was all done up, sitting on the front row, but was just crumpled in the chair, fast asleep through the entire meeting.  Another woman looked permanently concerned that something was horribly wrong, while someone else had a permanent hazy smile as she gazed off in the distance.  I was struck with the feeling that these are real people, who were once in their prime, leading active and exciting lives, and that right now they are just trapped in a mortal body that is deteriorating away.  But their soul, who they really are, is still someone with incredible divine potential.  I'm not around the elderly very often, but I do spend a lot of time with little kids--and I have learned that even though a 9 month-old baby can't articulate how he feels or exactly what he thinks, that he has a unique personality and a pre-mortal life story and personality.  I felt that same reality about the residents in this home today--they have a pre-mortal and a mortal life story that you would never know by looking at them now, but I could feel it somehow.  That was neat.

So my dad and I sang 2 duets and each of us sang a solo.  We sang "Love is Spoken Here" together, and I sang a really pretty arrangement of "Love At Home," and was overcome with the love that I felt in that room.  I saw a woman in a yellow blazer, shriveled up in a chair, barely responsive at all, and I saw next to her a man about her age, completely coherent, holding her rigid hand and resting his on her knee.  Next to her, I saw a younger man and his own wife, and I could sense the sweet caretaking nature of this family, who I'm sure have been driven to their knees many times lately, pleading for help to get through this difficult time.

I looked on the back row and saw a spunky lady sitting next to her husband with his wheelchair, and he was crying during the song.  I watched (while I sang) as she akwardly but lovingly helped him blow his nose and wiped his eyes.  From all the way across the room I could feel a nearly tangible love flowing out of this couple--I could just tell that they really really loved each other.  The Greek term for the highest form of love, the kind of committed, selfless love that I talk about in my firesides and am always hunting for great examples of--Agape--well it was emanating out of their entire bodies somehow.
And there I was singing, 

"Oh, there's One who smiles on high when there's love at home."
It was really an unforgettable experience.

*Okay, flashback for a second.*  Last night, as my Dad and I were running through our songs, I was feeling nostalgic for the days that I spent hours daily in a practice room and was constantly exercising my voice and perfecting my technique and learning new things and keeping in shape.  We finished singing that arrangement of Love at Home and I said to my dad, "I can't believe I am even saying this, but I feel like I'm a 'has been' as a singer.  I feel like I used to really be able to sing, but I am just not at the top of my game anymore!  Especially in this higher range classical stuff, my body is like--'yeah right. what are you trying to pull here?!'"  I told him, "I feel like there is so much more that I could give to this song and do with this song, but I'm just not in the vocal shape to be able to do it."*

Okay, resume the story.  So, I believe in the enabling power of the atonement.  I believe that when we offer up our hearts to the Lord, and willingly give and love and serve, that he magnifies us.  I have felt this power attend me when I sing, when the Lord really wants to use me as an instrument in His hands.  I felt that power today.  I wanted with all my heart to convey something today that these men and women could connect with, and rejoice in.  I wanted to communicate with them and just share my love and admiration for their lives.  As I sang Love At Home to those noble, courageous souls and their caretakers, I heard a voice that was clear, and open, and powerful, and completely unrestrained.  I think it was mine, but it just wasn't the same voice that had rehearsed that song the night before.  And that, to me, classifies as a miracle.

So I felt a lot of joy today.  Joy in the chance to associate with these wise, experienced, eternal souls, who are nearing the end of their mortal test.  Joy in the opportunity to feel the spirit attending me as I poured out my heart to them and the people who love them the very most.  Joy in getting to do that next to my Dad, as we played for each other and sang together.  And joy in being taught, yet again, that God's grace will magnify me as I seek to be an instrument in his hands, even if (in whatever category) I don't feel like I'm at the "top of my game."   

2 Corinthians 12:10
"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

 

 Oh, and just for the record, the spunky lady and her husband who was crying, the couple that I felt so much true Christ-like love emanating from--I learned that it was Marion D. Hanks, former assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and his wife.  I was amazed, and yet at the same time, not at all surprised.  :)


If I ever get really complainy  and start to lose the ability to see my blessings and the miracles that the Lord works in my life, will someone please smack me over the head and say, "Would you open your eyes!?!"

Thank you.

Day #32: Herbal Tea, Stars, and Acceptance.

I just enjoyed a hot cup of herbal tea out on the back patio, in the dark, looking up at the stars. I remember when my sister Lindsay and I used to sleep outside, and talk about who we were, and who we wanted to become, as we pondered the vastness of the sky. Ahhhhh.  It is so peaceful to be outside at nighttime. So relaxing.  I'm grateful for artificial lighting in some ways, but as long as I keep my lights on at night, I don't ever really calm down and feel ready to sleep. But if I watch a sunset or sit outside in the dark, I just start breathing more slowly and feel myself melt into contentment.  So that was nice.  I think I will do that again soon.


Also, I have been thinking a lot today about my diabetes.  I really do not like low blood sugar. It is such a nuisance, constantly creeping into my life.  There is never a good time to be low.  If it happens when I'm trying to exercise, I get dizzy and lightheaded and have to stop, check my blood sugar, treat the low, and then wait 15-20 minutes to exercise again.
If it happens when I need to drive somewhere, same drill.
If it happens while I'm getting my kids ready for bed I suddenly feel anxious, overwhelmed, and like I want to yell at everyone and I have to just calm down and tell myself to go check my blood sugar before I do anything crazy.
If it happens right before bed, I get so cranky inside that I JUST brushed my teeth (ARGH!) and now I have to go eat sugar that I don't want to eat anyway, and then I'll have to brush my teeth again before I go to bed.  I said no to that cupcake earlier so I wouldn't get HIGH blood sugar, and now, after I've brushed my teeth, I'm going to go eat a few glucose tablets.  Blaaaaaah!!!!
Or the best, if it happens in the middle of the night, I wake up in a cold sweat, breathing hard, shaking, and feeling paranoid but too confused to know right away what in the world is going on.  Then I get up, treat the low, eat a longer lasting carb, go brush my teeth, and spend 30 minutes trying to get my heart rate back down so I can fall asleep.
I know.  diabetes is so fun, huh?  And there are dozens more elements of this disease that are just like that.  Totally in the way, at all the wrong times, messing my life up and driving me crazy.  :)

And yet...

As I was expressing frustration to my mom tonight about how difficult it was for me to be patient with the boys while getting them to bed tonight in the middle of 2 lows, she said, "I didn't even notice that you weren't patient tonight."

And that was a divine checkpoint for me.

I realized, in that moment, more than ever before, that I really have BECOME someone I wouldn't be otherwise, because of diabetes.  I have learned how to not act on the impulses that I feel and to just wait out the emotional storm and be nice even when I feel mad inside.  I've learned how to graciously say no to food that isn't god for me, without feeling deprived or resentful.  I've helped my family establish healthier eating habits than I probably would have without all of the things I've read about nutrition and carbohydrates and all of my efforts to control my blood sugars.  I have become more dependent on the Lord than I otherwise would have had to, and more aware that, just like my insulin pump, I need HIM not just every hour, but every minute, and every second.  I need his power and his light infused into me every minute.

So tonight I weighed these scenarios in my mind:

What if I could wake up tomorrow and have diabetes completely gone, totally absent from my life? 

"Okay, definitely.  No more finger pricks, no more infusion sets, no more carb-counting, no more highs, no more lows, no more nightmare pregnancies... Awesome!"

But then I asked myself,
What if I could wake up tomorrow and have diabetes completely gone, but with it, would go all of the things that I have learned and who I have become over the last 7 years of plugging my way through this?

And you know what I answered myself?
"No way.  I wouldn't do it.  I wouldn't trade who I have become and all the Lord has taught me THROUGH the daily relentlessness of this whole thing, to have it all go away."

It felt really good to realize that, and to sort of have a slide show in my mind of all of the things I've wrestled with and overcome, the tender mercies that have helped along the way, and to see myself change and grow and become stronger and more faithful and more patient and more humble and more empathetic. 

I'm still learning, and I still fight this sometimes, and I still complain sometimes, but if diabetes were a person, I'd have to say in the end, that he is my friend.  And my teacher.  And what a loyal guy:  Even when I tell him to bug off, he never leaves my side.  :)

So the treasure that I bring back from my joy hunt today is that no matter what we may be facing, whether it be mundane, annoying, difficult,  tragic, frustrating, or downright impossible, I know that God can, overtime,  turn those things  to be for our good.  Those things become a vehicle to show us our inadequacies so we can see a need for a Savior and come to Him for help.  And then it can be said to us, as it was to Lehi's son, Jacob:

"Nevertheless...thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain."  (2 Nephi 2:2)



I know that's true.




Okay, enough artificial light already!  Go to bed, Em!!!

Day #31. Wilderness Like Eden.

So I'm still on my joy hunt that started about 30 days ago.  I'm going to stop blogging about it after day #40, but I think I might keep this mental perspective for as long as I can, for the rest of my life.  It's been really fun to challenge myself to find joy where it might not be easily seen, and to really savor the joy that is more obvious.  I love love love this scripture and I feel like it describes my summer so far:

 Isaiah 51:3-- For the Lord shall comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.  

Wilderness like Eden.  I really believe in that.  I know that it's possible.  God can make even the most awful situation filled with joy.  How?  What was so great about Eden?  Well, He was THERE.  He was WITH Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.  And if we let Him in, He can be with us too.  And when He is with us, we can see things for what they really are, and He can give us the eyes to see our circumstances and our lives in a way that will bring us joy. 

Is this too philosophical?  Here are a few real life examples of how I've felt the Lord turn my wilderness into Eden. 

Situation:  I'm 14 years old.  My 17 year-old sister and best friend is killed in a car accident.  I'm in a wilderness.  Over time, God turns this wilderness into Eden.  I draw closer to my parents as we cry together, pray together, and remember together.  I gain a testimony that families can be together forever because that reality means more to me now.  I am able to focus my mind on the things of eternity instead of on shallow, temporal teenage stuff during some of the most formative years of my life.  I learn how the scriptures can provide personalized answers to our struggles as I cry my guts out and find peace in John 14, Mosiah 2, and Enos.  I heard once that "God loves us enough to give us the very trial that we cannot handle without Him."  I believe that.  And you know what the end result is?  If we seek Him, He will come to us--and He will make our wilderness into Eden because we will feel his presence.

One more? 
Situation: My second child is born.  The hoopla is over, the help is gone, and I am on my own. I am exhausted, in physical pain, and struggling to adjust to caring for a newborn at the same time as chasing around an active toddler.  I miss my old life--the one where I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, where I got to sleep all night long, where I got to take a shower every day whenever I wanted, and when my whole life didn't revolve around a teeny creature needing to eat a few ounces of milk 10 times a day.  WIL-DER-NESS.  But you know what?  He made my wilderness like Eden.  I prayed for strength.  He helped me get from the end of my rope to the end of my day.  I prayed for my mind and heart to be changed.  He helped me to feel noble about my sacrifices to be a mom.  He helped me learn to spend less time DOING and spend  more time BEING.  He helped me become less focused on myself and more focused on someone else.  He taught me how to lose myself in the service of others, which is the greatest secret to finding joy.  I remember one day sitting at lunch with my boys--I think Jake was about 2 months old.  We hadn't gone anywhere that day, we didn't have plans to go anywhere, and I hadn't showered yet.  And yet somehow, in that moment, I looked at my kids and thought to myself, "I am the luckiest girl around.  I get to be with these guys every day, and learn how to become as a little child."  He made my wilderness like Eden. 

So, this summer is not as dire as some circumstances, but in the midst of a huge life transition and being away from my husband for a long time, I feel like the Lord has made my wilderness like Eden.  He has helped me simplify my life and just focus in on a few key things.  Without lots of distractions and busy schedules, I have been able to exercise, read the scriptures, teach Ethan how to play the piano and read, and just spend time playing with my boys.  As I have tried my hardest to stay grateful and keep looking up and finding joy, I have felt a tangible kind of strength and perspective and my eyes have been opened to what the Lord is trying to teach me. 

 "For the Lord shall comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody..."

 

Woah, where did the last 10 days go?!

For most of the last 10 days I have been either driving in the car, or staying up in Vail, Colorado, with a picture window view of the mountains--and no internet connection.  I was definitely looking up and definitely finding joy.  But no computer to tell you all about it. 

Let me explain--no, there is too much.  Let me sum up:  (Buttercup is marrying Humperdink a little less a half an hour...)


Kyle was in Denver, planning to drive 2 hours to Vail to meet up with us.  We were in Utah, planning to drive 6 hours to get to Vail.  My mom was planning to visit with my Grandma in Denver and I wanted to come down with the boys to see our house and then we were going to drive with Kyle back up to Vail to spend the weekend.   My brother Zach was flying in and meeting his girlfriend to show her around in Denver and then drive her up to Vail.   I am proud to say that despite major car trouble and cell phone failures, we were able to accomplish all of those logistics and we still even loved each other when it was all over.  

 I found joy in the craziness by trying to stay grateful. 

I am grateful for mufflers--because Kyle's fell off last week and we now know what it's like to ride in a car that doesn't have one.  :)  Props to his $10 make-shift repair job to last a few days so we could spend the weekend together while we wait for the parts to be shipped to the mechanic. 

I am grateful for bikes--even though we didn't get to take them to Vail.  As we were leaving Utah, my parents' car was making a huge thumping sound every few minutes.  After a 3 hour delay in when we were planning to leave anyway, we drove it to the mechanic to see what was going on.  After taking off the bikes, the bike rack, and redistributing some weight in the back and the back seat, the thumping was mostly gone.  So, we rode bikes today when we got back. :)

I'm grateful for DVD players.  We have done tons and tons of driving this summer.  We've played games and listened to songs and appreciated nature out the window--and we have let the boys watch a lot of shows that have helped to maintain our sanity. 

I'm grateful that we have a home!  The landlords are still finishing up a few remodeling and repair projects, so it's not quite ready for us to move in yet, but it was so fun to get to go see it and visualize ourselves there and start mapping out which rooms will be used for what.   I'm grateful that Kyle has a job and is making money, and that we are right now saving lots of money so that in a few weeks we can make the big move without racking up the credit card.  I still feel like it's worth it.

I'm grateful for beautiful mountains and fun parks and neat hiking trails and yummy snacks and old fashioned games.  We had so much fun at the condo playing hide and seek with the entire family.  The adults were screaming as we ran for our lives to get to base.  So great.

I love being outside, in nature, removed a bit from man-made stuff and more focused on God's creations.  As we hiked up one of our favorite trails to the waterfall (which, in the winter, is an enchanting snow cave), I found myself looking up.  Looking up at the trees, the sky, the grandeur of the view.  And looking up to praise the One who created it all.  All that looking up made me feel a lot of joy. 

So that's the last week or so in a nutshell.  On the drive back to Utah I was kind of saying to myself, "Wait, why are we driving in this direction?!  We're going the wrong way!!"  But, we've already done our last long goodbye to Kyle, and it will be just a few more weeks and then we will do our last big drive of the summer, our last unpacking of the summer, and our first move-in to a house with a yard and a garage!!   I'm determined to savor the precious parts about this time right now, find as much joy as I possibly can, and then sprint to the finish with a big smile.  Here we go!

Day #20, 21. Joy: The obvious as well as the not so obvious kind.

Obvious Joy:
-Sitting on the back porch last night, in gorgeous evening weather, in my parents' beautiful yard, with Kyle and the boys and my parents.  The boys were eating "4th of July cupcakes" and we started singing some patriotic songs in 4 part harmony.  Ethan was waving his arms around "directing the choir" while we sang God Bless America, America the Beautiful, and The Star Spangled Banner.  It really was like Christmas in July. :)

-Watching Ethan ride his bike and Jake push his stroller this morning in the parade.  They absolutely loved the pinwheels we had taped on there!

-Pondering the circle of life as I watched my niece be blessed watched her parents and grandparents love her.

And, a few moments with joy that was not quite as obvious, but there just the same:
-I walked upstairs this afternoon to find Jake sitting on the kitchen counter, pouring Orville Redenbacher's "Pop and Top" oil INTO the air pop popcorn machine.  It was also all over the counter and the floor.  Where's the joy?  Well, I was talking to a lady after the parade this morning and she was telling me how quickly life goes by and how your kids just grow up in a snap, and how you really just have to savor every stage for what it has because it will be gone so quickly.  I felt that today.  Thankfully, Jake won't always be pouring oil into the air popper, but he also won't always be snuggling on my lap after naps, running through the halls in his new tennis shoes, or asking to hear the Colorado state song as his lullaby EVERY NIGHT.  I'm savoring this whole stage, even if it means cleaning up oil sometimes.

-And speaking of oil, as I was whisking Jake away from the red crystal light he had grabbed and pulled onto the floor, I slipped on the oil and totally jammed my big toe on who knows what, but OUCH!!!  It was throbbing for about 2 hours and I'm still limping a little bit. I think I might even lose that toe nail... The joy?  Well, I am amazed at how much my body does for me.  And I'm so glad that for the most part, most of the parts work, most of the time.  And I'm glad I get to have a body and figure out how to use it and how to take care of it and, most importantly, how to feel joy in it!  Plus,  someday when my house is empty and the popcorn oil and the crystal light stay off the floor, I might be willing to trade a jammed toe nail for an adorable little mess-maker to brighten my day and come remind me what things matter the most.


So there you have it.  I am learning/realizing/remembering that finding joy has a lot to do with being spiritually minded.  If I can take a mortal frustration and apply a spiritual truth to it that gives it a higher purpose or a deeper meaning, I can find the joy.

I once heard this awesome thought, which seems pertinent today:

"We are not mortal beings having spiritual experiences.  
We are spiritual beings having mortal experiences."

Maybe I'll expound on that tomorrow. But for now, my spiritual being needs to have the mortal experience of sleep.  :)   'Night!

Day #17, #18, #19. Not too hard to find the joy...

I started this whole 40 day joy hunt as a way to help me get through the lonely/discouraging/frustrating/hot/long days during this transition--but the last 3 days have been pretty easy... :)

Holding hands.  Being together! 
Ethan playing his first real song ever for Daddy on the piano
Ethan reading with Daddy and showing off all the new words he's learned!
A gorgeous family bike ride up in Park City
Swimming with the boys!  They both can go under water now without getting scared.

Man, little boys sure can learn a lot in 3 weeks.  It's been fun this weekend to feel the accomplishment of all the things we've been working on since Kyle can tell how much they've improved and learned.

Life is good.  The Lord rains down blessings all the time.
"My cup runneth over..."

Em