The video project in the room of requirement.

Wow, that was fun. 

Last night I got to work on a little filming project for a medley of pioneer hymns that I arranged.  We've been up in Rexburg this week, hanging out with my my husband's family, and this is also where we went to college, at BYU-Idaho.  I've been trying to concoct a plan for how to get a video of me singing this arrangement so that I can share it with people for the 24th of July, but my list of assets doesn't include even a hay penny right now, so we had to get creative. Anyway, I found a student from BYU-Idaho majoring in communications who agreed to shoot the song, both of us viewing it as a free opportunity to get experience and share a message of faith. 

It turned out to be a bit tricky to nail down a location since all the best pianos on campus can only be reserved by real music department people (shucks, I'm a has been!), so we decided to meet up at a certain room in the student center that has a grand piano (that I was 70 % sure would be locked) and then just see what we could find.  We got there, and of course the room was locked.  A few other options in that building were being used by other groups. Okay.  I know this is going to work, but how?!

Well, I've been reading in Exodus about the children of Israel, and I have really been trying to be less whiny and murmury than they were on their journey.  You know, every time they run up against an obstacle of any sort (huge ocean in the way, no water, no food, etc.) they start to freak out and basically say, "Moses, why did you even bring us here?  It would have been better to be slaves in Egypt still, rather than die here in the wilderness."  Whenever I read their story, since of course I know how it ends, I think, "Come on, people!  Have a little faith!  God is going to PART the Red Sea, and he's going to rain food down from the sky for 40 years, so stop having a conniption.  It's all going to work out."  So last night, as I started to get anxious and wonder how and where we were going to shoot this video, I thought of those whiny children of Israel and caught myself before I started to complain. Instead, I said, "Okay, Lord. You have brought me this far.   We've got a website.  We've got a blog. We've got an arrangement.  We've got a message worth sharing.  We've got a camera, some mics, a lighting kit, and two people who want to share the gospel through music.  Now all we need is a room with a piano that we can use." 

I went back upstairs where we had been looking, but this time into a new hallway that hadn't been built yet when I was a student here.  I kept walking, and looking in rooms, and as I got to the last door,  I knew somehow: This is going to be it.  I opened the door to a room that said "Special Events," and then found myself in a room with 2 huge walls of curtains, a nice plant, and a gorgeous grand piano gleaming at me.  And it wasn't even locked!  Have you read the Harry Potter books? I totally felt like I was at Hogwarts and I had walked into the "room of requirement!"  Seriously, I imagined in my mind what kind of room we would need to shoot the video, and when I walked in, everything we needed was right there! 

So anyway, I don't mean to overdramatize the whole thing, but I really do believe in miracles, however small, and I know that God can plant ideas in our minds or give us power beyond our own to help us get through whatever obstacles are blocking our path.  And for me, in the moment of solution to the problems, I see the hand of the Lord and I know that He is aware of me. I felt that last night.  I think it happens more often than I realize, and I'm praying for the eyes to be able to see it.

This is what's in my heart about this whole project, and all of the other crazy musical adventures I undertake:

Alma 26:30, 35-37
30  ...and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some.
35    Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36    ...for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.
37    Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.


I'm excited to see how the video turns out!
I'll let you know when it's done!

Em

The charityistics (as antidotes for misery)

Have we talked about the charityistics?  That's what I call the list of descriptors from Moroni 7:45--"Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things."

Well, that scripture is a bit overwhelming to me because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be all of those things.  That's why I like to break it down into bite-size chunks and focus on one attribute, or "charityistic" at a time.  I can try to be kind today, and try not to envy tomorrow, and just take things one day at a time. 

As I have pondered about what it really means to suffer long and to not be easily provoked and all the rest, God has taught me some amazing things. Sometimes when I am frustrated or struggling and I can't figure out why, He teaches me that a simple application of one of these charitystics is the antidote to my unhappiness.  Here's an example:

Several weeks after my oldest son was born, I still felt so weak and tired and like I would never be able to physically handle anything again.  We went for a short walk down to a nearby park and when I couldn't even it make it back up the hill I was so angry inside!  I grumbled to myself: "I want my body back!!  This is taking too long!"  When I got home I was musing over my bad attitude in the shower and was honestly trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time.
And then I heard this in my mind:  "Charity suffereth long, Em." 

"What? Suffereth long? 
Oh.  Like even longer than I already have.
Okay... I guess I can do that."

"This is a child of God you have brought into the world.  And yeah, it's been rough for a lot of months and now several weeks. But you can suffer longer.  There is eternal significance and value to this."

"Alright. Charity suffereth long.  Longer.  Charity suffereth long."

I found more joy in motherhood during the days following that discovery.  As I really focused on it, and prayed for help, I felt happier, and strengthened in my quest to suffer longer for an eternal, worthwhile, cause.

So, right now life is a bit wild and we are transitioning from Indiana to Colorado and visting and living with lots of family.  We are mostly loving it, and trying to be flexible and embrace the chaos and just enjoy our time.  But occasionaly, when things get too crowded or too complicated or too crazy, and I feel like my kindness is getting wrung out, the Spirit will whisper to my mind:

"Charity seeketh not her own. Charity seeketh not her own.  Don't get all focused on your self and your own needs.  Zoom out for a minute and see the whole picture."

And then I pray that I will be able to stop seeking my own and seek the needs of someone else in the equation instead.  And soon my perspective is renewed and my cup overflows with joy again. It's kind of amazing, actually.

So, whatever emotional soup you are cooking these days, if it feels like it's about to boil over, try adding a little dash of a charitiyistic. Pick any one you like.  And then pray that He will help you live it, even for just 5 minutes.  Maybe it will help you look up and find the joy today.   :)

Helicopter Leaves

Dear God,

Sorry I was kind of grumpy today.  I just got overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and I was trying to process all the feelings I have about moving and leaving our friends here and planning for our new life in Colorado and figuring out what is worth stressing about and what isn't...and the weight just seemed heavy and I forgot about a lot of my blessings.

 Thank you for sending the rain, wind, and helicopter leaves at the perfect time.  I was finishing up the dishes and rotating a load of laundry when I looked out the kitchen window and saw the grey clouds gathering and the wind blowing.  I was just sort of pouting along, feeling like motherhood and life is a lot of hard work, and feeling hopeless that I will ever be able to accomplish everything that I need to.  Then I saw the helicopter leaves swirling around in the sky--dozens of them--twirling around like little butterflies, being carried by the wind.  For some reason, that changed everything.

I ran upstairs and called to Ethan and Jake  to come quick and see what was happening outside.  We scurried off to the back porch, where we proceeded to watch the whimsical helicopter leaf show. My boys squealed with delight as each gust of wind brought a new batch of spinning leaves, and we tried to catch them before they flew into the next yard.  We laughed and ooohed and aaaahhed and let the wind and the sprinkling rain embrace us.

Suddenly I felt joy again, and motherhood was a privilege, and life was a gift, and my children were the sweetest reminders to treasure the little things.

Thank you for children, for wind, for rain, for helicopter leaves, and, yes,  even for a lot of hard work.  

I'm still learning how to look up and find the joy. 
Please keep teaching me.

Love Em

Time Out For Women Rocks.

Here are a few reasons I loved Time Out For Women this weekend!

1)  I woke up, got ready, was aware of the sunrise, and left the house at 7:00 am.  Quite out of the ordinary for me, and quite refreshing.

2)  I got to have great chats with great friends, with no interruptions!

3)  I got to put aside chores, meal preparations, and taking care of big needs of little people and just soak in messages of hope.  I left with a greater hope that Someone who is smarter than I am is ready to help me do the things He has asked me to do.

4)  I pondered the idea that Peter, when the Lord beckoned him to come walk on the water, may have expected to walk right out of the boat and directly to the Savior.  He may not have expected the whole thing to be so difficult. Sometimes I have false expectations too.  (Like I expected that maybe by now, 3 weeks before dental school graduation, we would have a job and a place to live.) The last few weeks I have felt a little storm-tossed.  I didn't realize that this little walk from the boat of dental school to the next stage of life would be so...windy and wavy.  But I don't need to be afraid.  I don't need to sink.  I need to beg Jesus to reach out his hand and catch me.  And trust Him, and come to Him.

5)  Kyle called me around lunch time, because Ethan was missing me.  Ethan had said,  "it's just not as fun when mom's not home."  During Ethan's turn on the phone, all I could hear was Jake in the background saying, "I wanna talk mama!  I wanna talk mama!"  And then he was feeding me little pieces of play dough through the phone and saying, "mmmmm, it's Doo lushy! [delicious]."  I told Ethan I was gone because they were teaching me how to be a good mom and that I would be home soon.  :)

6) I loved Chieko Okazaki's idea that no matter how tight our budget, we will always have an unlimited supply of smiles and prayers, and we should give them out freely.  She also said, "I have learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.  After that, you better know something."  Hilarious.

7)  I had an epiphany about "give us this day, our daily bread."  I kind of like the Lord to give me about a month supply of whatever I'm sure I need, and show me how it's all going to work out, so that I can relax and know that things are taken care of. But if we really trust Him, and can rely on Him, we will be okay at times to just get our daily bread today, and then ask for it again tomorrow. Obviously planning for the future is great, but sometimes (i.e. for me RIGHT NOW) we need to put the future in HIS hands, and trust that He will take care of us each day as we ask, daily, for him to guide us.


8)  I got to tell Michael McLean thanks for writing "Hold On the Light Will Come."
 

My sister died when I was 14.  In the years that followed, there were a lot of dark times where I did a lot of holding on.  "Hold On The Light Will Come" was one of many songs that lifted me up and gave me peace as I navigated through high school and tried to put my life back together.  As I heard him play that song on Friday night, I was flooded with memories of times I had listened to it, crying so hard I couldn't breathe--trying to keep believing that the light would come, and keep believing that I could somehow hold on just a little bit longer, just a little bit harder.

"The message message of this moment is so clear, 
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt, and fear, 
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come...
Anyone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won
And those who've been in darkness for awhile 
Kneel much longer when the light has come."

As he sang, I realized that it had been true.  I held on, some days just because Mike told me to, and the light came.  It came here and there, little by little, day by day, year by year.  And now, as the open gaping wound has dissolved into a scar that is much, much, less painful, I feel like I have come through the darkness.  I feel like I do kneel much longer, much more deeply, than I ever would have learned how to otherwise.
I was overcome by the realization that I don't even really know Mike (well, my Dad was in the same boy scout troop as him for a few years, if that counts for anything...) and yet I feel like he is an old friend because of all the things his songs and I have been through together.    :)

So that was fun.  I had the thought this weekend,
"you know, I don't really know where all of my songwriting adventures will lead, and I don't really know how many people will ever even hear my songs.  But if I could touch even one person's life, through music--if I could give even one person the real hope, the promise that light will come at the end of their darkness--it would all be worth it." 


Okay, so 8 reasons that I loved Time Out For Women. That's kind of a random number, huh?  Not 5, not 10, just 8.  Well, I didn't really plan it out.  But 8 is just fine.  And now it's [past] time to sleep.

Why God loves for us to be parents.

It's so good for us to have children who don't obey us.  When it's my own kids, it of course frustrates me.  But when I watch other parents, it totally cracks me up.  And, honestly, I laugh a lot more with my second than I did with my first, because now I know that every other kid is acting the same way and I'm not a horrible parent if mine doesn't do everything I ask.


 I was at the Children's Musuem today (which, by the way, was so incredibly crowded for some reason that I'm not sure I even want to visit again before we move!  Claustrophobia!), and was watching so many parents beg their toddlers to stop splashing in the water, stop dumping sand on other kids, and I was of course whisking Jake (my two year-old) away from Emergency Exits and running at a full sprint to retrieve him after he escaped up the ramp and around the corner... 

I had the thought today, that God must smile so big when we become parents and try to get determined, strong-willed, short-sighted, squirmy kids to obey us and do the things we ask them to do.  We try every method we can think of to get them to do such obvious things, like hold our hand in the street and share toys with other kids and keep their hands out of the toilet.  It is so exasperating sometimes to be ignored and/or disobeyed by a teeny little kid who doesn't really have a clue about safety, sanitation, manners, or consequences, and yet insists on doing things his own way.

(no, this is not my kid)

What better way is there,  though,  for us to come to understand God's relationship with us?  He has a whole world full of such children--who have 1 billionth the perspective and understanding that He has of the purpose of our lives and the way to find joy, and yet we insist on disregarding his rules and doing things our own way because "we want to."   He has given us commandments and tried to teach us to hold His hand through life to stay safe, to keep our hands out of the toilets of sin, and to share our "toys" with each other so we can all be happy, but sometimes we are about as obedient as a toddler who has missed his nap. Ooooof. If you're not cringing, you must not have experienced this first hand. :)

I have loved the moments of motherhood where I think things like: 


"Okay, Ethan, I am making you a snack AS WE SPEAK.  Can you seriously not be patient for 5 minutes while I get it ready?  I know you are hungry.  I'm on it. Just calm down for a minute and wait."  

And then a whisper comes to my mind, that says, "You do this to me, you know.  I have so many blessings already in the works to give you, but sometimes you are so impatient and you whine and whine WHILE I am in the process of blessing you."

And then I smile, and say, "You're right.  How funny.  Well, I guess I know a little bit of how you feel now.  I'll try to be more patient. :) "


I watched a guy across the street the other day get left with 5 or 6 kids on the playground to look after while the mothers ran a quick errand. He said to them, "You guys have got 5 minutes.  And then I start sellin' kids."  He was kind of kidding. 


Is it bad that I was laughing at him under my breath the whole time the women were gone?  His sideways hat, and huge jean shorts, chattin' it up on his cell phone, while the kids ran wild and ignored every command he gave them.  Eventually he was running after kids in the street, yelling down the block for the bikes to come back the other way, and having to apologize to another mom for one of the kids pushing her daughter off a ledge on the playground.  I had a feeling that this guy hadn't spent much of his life with a real habit of obeying what God has commanded us to do, and so it was just so funny to me  to watch him flail around and try to get these kids to obey him.  And don't get the wrong idea, because I laugh at myself too.  :)   I think it's so good for  us to be humbled to the dust by trying to find a way to teach kids how to be safe and happy and kind--to love them more than anything in the world, so we keep trying and trying and trying to get them to understand...and to know that we see so much more than they do, and that even little mistakes can sometimes have huge consequences, and yet they still don't always trust us!

And all the while God looks down on us, with love, and maybe also a sly grin, and says, "It's tough, isn't it?"

Well, I love my kids.  And I really love it when they trust me and obey. And when we all feel joy together.

Hmmmm, makes me want to go try my very bestest to keep the commandments.

A Mother's Beatitudes.

I love this. I love that my Mom has been in town visiting this week, and that she is this kind of mother. I love that my Grandma is the one who printed this out for me years ago, and that she is this kind of mother. I love my boys and hope I can be this kind of mother too.

A Mother's Beatitudes
by Leonora Zearfoss

Blessed is the mother who understands her child, for she shall inherit a kingdom of memories.
Blessed is the mother who knows how to comfort, for she shall possess a child's devotion.
Blessed is the mother who guides by the path of righteousness, for she shall be proud of her offspring.
Blessed is the mother who is never shocked, for she shall receive confidences.
Blessed is the mother who teaches respect, for she shall be respected.
Blessed is the mother who emphasizes the good and minimizes the bad, for in like manner the child himself shall make evaluations. 
Blessed is the mother who treats her child as she would be treated, for her home shall be filled with happiness.
Blessed is the mother who answers simply the startling questions, for she shall always be trusted.
Blessed is the mother who has character strong enough to withstand the thoughtless remarks and resentments of the growing child, for, in due time, she shall be honored.


Very true.
So, I think I'm going to try extra hard  this week or even this month to emphasize the good and minimize the bad, all around me.  And to comfort.  Really comfort my children and other people when they need a boost.

And let's talk more about what it means to be "blessed."  Thoughts?  I'll tell you mine soon...

Alleluia.

Did you know...
The Hebrew word Halleluyah as an expression of praise to God was preserved, untranslated, by the early Christians as a superlative expression of thanksgiving, joy, and triumph.

Alleluia is the Greek version.

At the most literal, Alleluia means "All hail to Him Who is."  (Wikipedia)

It is mind boggling to think how many choral pieces have been written using only this word.  Why so many?  Well, how can you possibly capture in words, how many different ways there are to feel thanskgiving, joy, and triumph?  There are an infinite amount of Alleluia flavors and colors. Some are reflective, some are majestic, some are etherial, some are buoyant...  And yet each one is an expression of praise to our God. 

I got to lead a sectional last night for a choir rehearsal on an "Alleluia" we're preparing for a musical presentation about finding strength in Christ  (on April 11th).  As were were singing, my whole body was filled with the feeling of praise.  I felt joy, I felt thanksgiving, I felt triumph.

Have you ever heard or sung Ralph Manuel's Alleluia?  My older sister Lindsay loved this song.  When she was a junior in high school, she loved singing it in the concert choir.  I always laughed when she would get giddy about a new song they were singing in choir and she would try to tell me how it went. As she would sing to me the often un-melodious alto line I would furl my eyebrows and say, "yeah, I guess I'll have to hear it when it has the melody, huh?"  I remember watching her in the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" and thinking, "hey, all those little snippets  I've been hearing her sing in the shower actually sound like songs now that the alto line is put into context!"  What a voice she had, though.   And what a heart. 

After Lindsay passed away in an unexpected car accident in 1997, we considered many songs as potential musical numbers at her funeral.  One of the ones we chose, was Ralph Manuel's Alleluia.  The whole high school concert choir, one beautiful alto short, filled the chapel with reverence, sorrow, joy, and triumph as they sang this incredible song.



(this is the University of Utah Singers singing it)





And now I get to join with some great friends and sing it too!  Well, maybe I'll actually be singing.  I might just be crying.  Mostly for joy.   :)

I'm amazed that this piece has only one word, and yet captures such a palette of human emotions.

So I say, "All hail to Him who is."

to Him who overcame death, and made it possible for us to be with our loved ones again.
to Him  who gave us flowers and springtime and families and songs.
to Him who lets us suffer, but who comforts us, teaches us, and heals our hearts as we go.
to Him who, as Isaiah prophesied, "will swallow up death in victory; and...will wipe away tears from off all faces."

Alleluia.

I can't help but think right now, of Lindsay's scriptures.  After she died, I treasured the notes she made in her margins and getting to read the verses she marked in a particular way.  I have found joy and comfort many times in this scripture, which she had underlined:

Mosiah 2:28
"...when I am about to go down to my grave, that I might go down in peace, and my immortal spirit may join the choirs above in singing the praises of a just God."

I love that image.  I love the little smiley face she drew in her scriptures by that verse. I love picturing the smiley face she must actually have on her face now.  And I love that my immortal spirit, and mortal voice can, even now, sing the praises of a just God. 

Love you, Linds!