If I Could

You know that feeling, when someone you really love is going through something awful, and you wish you could do more to help?

That's what this song is about.

When I wrote this song several years ago, I had recently become a mother and was watching someone close to me struggle through some really hard things. My days were filled with bathing, wrapping, and feeding my baby, sweeping floors, wiping up and wringing out messes, and getting up in the night to comfort and dry tears. I realized how much I wanted to do these same things, spiritually, for my friend, and felt so helpless that I really couldn't. Wiping up spit up suddenly seemed easy and so un-complicated compared with trying to wipe up confusion or doubt on someone's heart.

Over the last several years this song grew up. Some of the lyrics have changes, and it went from being called "I Can't" into "If I Could," as I've understood better how the Savior's arms can reach even where ours can't, and that He really can and does comfort us and bathe us in hope and love and peace.

So here it is:


If I Could |

If I Could

“Well hi…” “Oh hey, I know it’s really late--”
I said “Well yeah, but I’m here anytime, I’ll always answer when it’s you”
And then you told me the unthinkable
My chest got choked, and I wished that none of it were true

“Talk to you later…” and that’s when I fell apart
Collapsed to my knees, and tried to breathe…
Crying, pleading,
I wish that I could give you what you really need, and

If I could, I’d bathe you in hope
I’d wrap you in wholeness
And feed you peace
If I could, I’d sweep away every doubt
I’d wipe up the confusion
And wring out disbelief
I’d run to you tonight
And make your demons cower in the light
If I could…

Spinning… Searching through a thousand words
I’m trying to find a way to catch you just in case you drop
Your whole life is bleeding,
And all the world’s band-aids can’t seem to make it stop (but)
 
Chorus

But He can. He can bathe you in hope
He can wrap you in wholeness
And feed you peace
I know He Can, He can sweep away every doubt
And wipe up this confusion
And wring out disbelief
And I pray He’ll run to you tonight
And make your demons cower ‘cause He is The Light

If I Could…

Worth the Wait

It's funny how my songwriting endeavors always seem to come in waves.  :)  I go for awhile without really doing anything and think, "yeah, in a past life I used to be a songwriter..." and then a wave comes and I go nuts.  Maybe that makes me a manic.  Ha.

So, my latest Living Room creation is a new song called "Worth the Wait."  One of my very best friends from high school has been trying to adopt for a long time, and will finally be welcoming a little boy into their family in August.  After going to the ultrasound with the baby's birth mom, Rachel came home wrote a letter to her future son.  This part of it was the seed of the idea for my song:

"Baby Boy, I am so happy.  I can’t believe how this experience has come together so perfectly.  God works in mysterious ways.  A year ago, I had just suffered an ectopic pregnancy after years of wanting a baby and months of fertility treatments.  Six months ago, we were in the middle of our first adoption heartbreak with a birth family stringing us along and then changing its mind.  During those dark days, there were moments when I wondered if I would ever be excited about a baby again.  Would my heart become numb and guarded?  Would I eventually lose faith that I would ever be a mother?

This year, I’ve read and re-read scripture verses about “waiting on the Lord.”  There are 47 verses that mention a variation of that phrase, and tonight, one seems especially fitting: “And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you.”  (Isaiah 30:18)

God knew best.  He waited to bless us until the situation was perfect and right.  He knew that you were on your way.

The wait was worth it.

I love you, Little Man."


I love that. The wait was worth it.

I've never heard someone say, "Yeah, my husband is great, but 10 years was just too long to wait to find him."  Or, "I love my baby, but it wasn't really worth that awful pregnancy to get him here."  It's interesting how agonizing it can be to wait for whatever it is we want most--and yet when it finally comes, all of the anguish and frustration and disappointment instantly melt away and only the present is in our view.  I remember one particular day in my pregnancy with Jake, when I was just so miserable and so tired and dreading one more 2 hour fetal monitoring appointment and I called my mom on the way to the doctor.  While she was sympathetic to my pain, I will never forget what she said to me. 

"Emily, nothing that I had to do to get you guys here even hits the charts compared with the joy that has come from having all of you in my life.  It doesn't even hit the charts."  I've always remembered that.  And even as early as 5 minutes after Jake was born, I felt the reality of that.  None of the pain even hits the charts. The joy just crowds it all out. :)

Experiences like that give us a glimpse into how, no matter what we suffer in this life, no matter what awful things we see or experience, someday the Savior really will make it right.


Revelation 21:4
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."


To be in His presence will fill us with such joy, that all the suffering and pain and discouragement of the past will melt away.  Very very cool. 


Okay, so here's the song!

Worth the Wait

Waiting…Believing

Wanting…Pleading

Counting all the tries

Wondering just how many times it’s gonna take

And thinking…that this better be…

 Worth the Wait

Dreaming…Finally Finding

Planning…Buying

Counting down the weeks

Wishing somehow I could speed      up all these days

And hoping…that it’ll be…

        Worth the Wait

After all the hours that seemed like days and all the days that seemed like years

Well time will tell and time will heal and time has finally brought you here…

Holding…Feel like flying

Laughing…Crying

We made it all the way

And now tomorrow is today, it finally came

And now I’m knowing…it was totally…

Worth the Wait

After all the hours that seemed like days and all the days that seemed like years

Well time will tell and time will heal and time has finally brought you here…

Lovin’ You  

Is my wildest wait come true

And I’d do it all all over

Cuz baby you know you were…

Worth the wait

You were worth the wait

So maybe my next song will be called,
"Doesn't even hit the charts." 
Sounds like a real winner, huh?

Before You Know It

July?!?!   How is that possible?!  Well I think I will do 2 posts tonight and make up for lost time.  :)   And I will be typing all index finger letters with my third finger because I was trimming my chrysanthemums today (with squeezy sharp clippers) and decided to clip my finger instead of the flower.  I was calm and cool and collected for about 2 minutes until I was still bleeding all over the sink and couldn't get it to stop.  My 6 year-old, Ethan, got me some gauze and some tape and some band-aids and we eventually made it through.  I wonder how long it will be until I can type with that finger or play the piano... Well the mums look great anyway.


Okay, so a few days ago a friend of mine from a BYU music camp years ago asked me about this song and if I had a recording of it somewhere.  I do, and here it is.

The first song I ever wrote.  Back in 1998, on Easter Sunday.  A few months after my sister Lindsay, had been killed in a car accident.  I remember recording it onto a cassette tape and mailing it to my older brother and sister who were on missions in foreign countries for our church.  They were teaching about how families can be together forever and how we can endure any trial through the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and I was surviving each day by clinging to those truths.   In this recording, my brother Zach  is singing along in the background, just like he did so many times in the Philippines, along with that little cassette tape...





Thanks, Lauren, for reminding me about this song.  It was a gift all over again for me to listen to it today.  

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9

  “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.  Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.”

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

Wow!  I can't tell you how fun it is to have a FREE and INSTANT way to share songs.  I've been dreaming of this for years.  And discovering how one little piece at a time.  


So, here we are in my living room and I'm going to play you a song.  :)


This is an arrangement of "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good" that I put together to sing at a funeral about 2 years ago.  It was actually the service for a woman that I didn't know very well--I had served as her visiting teacher for just 2 or 3 months before she passed away.  Her family asked me to sing at her funeral, and requested this song. Necessity is the mother of invention.  I create arrangements when I don't have the one that I need!  Ha. 
 I remember the chaos of that day or two.  Ethan was 2, almost three years old, Jake was just a few months old, and I was trying to concoct a new arrangement and nurse the baby and make the potato casserole that I was bringing to the luncheon, and find a babysitter, and get myself showered and ready to sing...  I remember hustling out the door, armed with my microphone stand, kiddos, and potato casserole, and laughing that I would be as surprised as the audience to hear how the song turned out.  I felt the enabling power of the atonement that day, quickening my mind and giving me the capacity to create something beautiful and then convey that to a grieving family.  

I don't recall having met Martha's husband before the day of the funeral.  

But I will never forget the moment when he intercepted my return from the stand to my seat in the pews and came and gave me a huge bear hug, right there in the middle of the aisle.  A large, jolly man, with a santa claus beard, with tears in his eyes, giving me a hug. And holding on, tight.    It was a special moment.  

And that day I felt like God had used me as an instrument in His hands to share His love.




 So I got to sing that same arrangement at a funeral today.  This time for a woman I had never even met.  I know her daughter, though, and after I finished singing and our eyes locked, our hearts locked too.   I could sense her loss and her pain, and at the same time, her gratitude for a song that celebrated her mother's life.  


I treasure those moments.  And those people.  And this arrangement. And The Source of all good things and all good feelings and all good songs.  :)

 So here it is!

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good | Upload Music

Take My Life

Well, since this is my living room, I will post for you what I actually just did in my living room tonight!

I'm teaching a lesson on Sunday about consecration, and giving our lives up to the Lord. It's based on Elder Christofferson's recent address from General Conference, called "Reflections on a Consecrated Life."  He talks about the two gifts we are given in life--time, and the freedom to do with our time what we choose.  He says that to "consecrate is to dedicate or set something apart as sacred, devoted to holy purposes," and that  "True success in this life comes in consecrating our lives--that is, our time and choices--to God's purposes."

I've been thinking a lot this week about what it really means to consecrate our lives to God.

Here are a few thoughts that I've strung together:

1.  Awesome metaphor from C.S. Lewis:  (in his book, Mere Christianity):

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Then if you pair that idea with this quote from Ezra Taft Benson...

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.  He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace."

With expanded vision and deepened joys and hearts full of peace, we become something more than just a little cottage.  But the realization of all of those blessings sometimes only comes through painful renovations that we might want to resist--because we don't fully  understand what the Lord can make of us. 

But the greatest option for maximizing our capacities and our joy is to surrender.  

Neal Maxwell said, "As you submit your wills to God, you are giving Him the only thing you can actually give Him that is really yours to give.  Don't wait too long to find the altar or to begin to place the gift of your wills upon it!"

So, as is the case with almost all types of sacrifice, it might feel like a lot to give, but ultimately God always gives us back 10 times more than we gave in the first place. 

To me, this is not all lofty philosophy.  I really believe it.  I have felt it.  I have felt power beyond my own strengthen me in doing things that I knew were right, that I wouldn't have been able to do alone. 

In all my musings this week, this song kept coming to my mind.  It's called "Take My Life," with words and music written by Michael McLean.  To me, it captures the essence of what consecration really is.  I wanted to sing it as part of my lesson but I couldn't find the sheet music or the lyrics anywhere online...so a project was born.  :)  I figured out the chords and almost all of the lyrics and just kind of made my own arrangement.  I didn't write this song, but after working with it for a few  hours I feel like it is part of me--and it actually expresses how I really feel and what I want to let God do. 

Take My Life |

So did you catch the place in the first verse where I have no idea what the words are?  I just kind of mumbled something to fill the space.  Ridiculous, I know!  :) I listened to that part of the song over and over and my husband tried for awhile too, but we can't figure out what in the world it's supposed to say there! 

I actually e-mailed Michael McLean today to ask him what the real words are.  

We'll see if he gets back to me.  :)

Well, I am figuring out this technology stuff.  In case you were curious here is how I was able to bring my living room creation to you via computer. 

1.  Record piano accompaniment into my digital piano. 

2.  Push play on the piano at the same time as record on my iphone, and record myself singing along with the piano.

3.  E-mail the voice memo to myself.

4.  Download the voice memo to my computer, name it. 

5.  Download "Switch Sound File Converter Plus" and use it to change the .m4a voice memo into an .mp3.

6.  Upload the mp3 to my account on muziboo.com

7.  Take the embed code from muziboo and cut and paste it to my blog.  

8.  Write a few thoughts and share it with you!

Wowee!  Who would have ever guessed that I would learn so much about technology in my quest to create and share music?? 

Speaking of quests, here is one more amazing quote about what it truly means to give ourselves, 100% to the Lord.  

"When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power." -Ezra Taft Benson

I'm grateful for the chance to immerse myself in this song tonight.  I have been feeling my house get knocked around the last few weeks and have been wondering what in the world the Lord is up to.  Sometimes I get a little bit resentful of these renovations He is making on my little cottage--but after tonight I have fresh perspective that He is a loving Father who is taking my life and making it something better, something useful, something worth living.  I needed that reminder.  :)

Wanna hear a new song?

You know what?  I think this might actually work!  I just discovered muziboo.com, which allows me to upload music onto their site and then post my audio files onto my blog so you can click on them and hear songs!

Honestly I think "muziboo" is sort of a lame name, but since it does such a cool thing I will forgive them.  :)

The chose to call this place "Em's Living Room" because I want it to be a place where I can play songs for you and have you sit and enjoy them--and have it feel like I'm just sitting at my piano singing and you're just sitting on my couch listening.  Let's see if it feels like that.  :)

So here is my newest song!  It's called "More."

A week or so ago my husband and I spoke and sang together at a conference about home and visiting teaching.  (This is a program in our church designed to help us minister to each other, by assigning each member to care for a few other members by visiting them in their homes each month and trying to find ways during the month to be helpful.) 

My dear friend Jane Gray wrote up some of her thoughts about this subject, and I used many of her ideas to write this song. Normally I wouldn't use the word "casserole" in a song, but this was written for a very specific event and audience, and it just worked.  Enjoy!

More

More than a name

More than a number

More than a visit, More than a report

More than a lesson or a call

More than a casserole

Or a little note

His Love is more…

More Simple

More Important

More Lasting, and everyday more True

More Still, More Divine

            So much more Beautiful

            More Wonderful

His Love is more…

Endless, Matchless, Priceless, Boundless

Limitles

Fearless

More Trusting

More Knowing

More Smiling More Feeling, More Finding

More Joy, More Hope, More Peace, making everything

            More Beautiful

            More Wonderful

His Love is more…

My Indiana Trip!

Wow, what a fun fun weekend.

Remember the song that turned into this video and this project?

Well, I got to go to Indianapolis and hear a stake youth choir sing it!  I didn't take nearly enough pictures, but I'll give you what I've got.

This is Marie.  

She's the one who had the grand idea.  She saw the video of me singing the song on youtube, and envisioned her stake youth choir singing that song, arranged for a choir.  So she facebooked me and asked me if I could change it from a solo into a choral piece and notate the music so her youth could sing it--and we talked on the phone and e-mailed back and forth to coordinate all the details and then finally got to meet face to face last Friday!  She did an amazing job directing and inspiring her choir to give it their all and do an incredible job. I love that woman!

So on Friday night, I went to the youth choir rehearsal and got to hear 90 voices bring the song to life!  Marie let me jump in and we worked together to smooth any rough edges and then I shared some thoughts with them about the song and  our connection to those who have gone before.  At the end of the rehearsal, I sang the solo version for them and then got to hug and chat and laugh with all those awesome youth.  It was so neat to feel their enthusiasm for life and for the gospel and for the song.  I feel like they really gave a gift to me.

Then, on Sunday, they performed it and I got to sit back and revel in what I felt like was a little miracle.
I've heard it said that "with God, all moments are present."  I caught a glimpse of what that means when I sat back and listened and realized that

THIS

had turned into
THIS

(double click on it for full screen view!)

(this was the rehearsal, not the real thing, which of course I did not record...)

As I heard those youth sing, all moments of this entire process were present for me.  The initial stages of writing the first version, the first performance, the idea to make a video, the process of shooting it, putting it on youtube, connecting with Marie, and then gradually piecing together how all the different voices would come into play and spending long hours notating and making revisions and notating and making revisions... All of that just became one moment--the same moment as sitting back and hearing 90+ teenagers sing what had before only really existed in my head. And in the end, whatever toil or struggle or frustration that was part of the road just sort of faded away into the beauty of the crowning event, and all I could feel was joy.

I think maybe I can look at my entire life that way.  I imagine that God views me like an arrangement in its early stages--with great potential, but a lot of rough spots that need to be re-worked and edited... But He will work with me patiently, for as long as it takes, and one day sit back and feel joy in seeing who I have become.  And in the end, whatever mistakes I made, whatever hard things I had to endure, will just fade away into the beauty of getting to be where He is.  That feels true to me.


So, in addition to some unforgettable musical moments, I also got to spend some time with several dear friends from the 4 years that we lived in Indianapolis.  We laughed ourselves silly and just got to re-connect and be together!

"Reserved for the Superstar of the Month"

How did they know to save a parking place for my friend Tiffany??

I love that she came and held my hand while we cried through the performance. 

 Okay, and let's just pretend that I also have a picture of Candace and Whitney and Ami and Marty and all the other awesome women that I loved loved loved getting to see!!!!!

And let's also pretend that I have a picture of me flying on an airplane all by myself--reading, and then napping, and not juggling 6 bags and 2 children.  :)  That was pretty fun.

So, that's my story.  I've got to go start plotting my next arrangement...  !!!