Day #5. Creation, Fall, Atonement.

Three important words in the gospel are

Creation
Fall
Atonement

These are the three pillars of eternity.   There was creation of the earth, the fall of man, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that in a nutshell is the plan of salvation.  Well, these three phases are also present on a smaller scale in our lives as we make major transitions or go through processes.

For example:  You get accepted to a college and you get all excited about getting ready, and taking classes, and getting to know people and living "on your own."  That is creation.  Inevitably, though, you reach the time when you have issues with your roommates, the classes are hard or boring, and you start to realize that cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry is lame. This is the fall.  And so, it is because of our "fall" experiences, that we come to need the Atonement.  We need Someone to give us strength, perspective, and assurance during the low times so that we can overcome them and eventually scale to another creation, this time on a higher plane. And in this process we come to know Jesus Christ as He lifts us up to higher ground. 

 Here is one more example of this idea just for fun:
Creation  (literally): "Wow, I'm going to be a mother!  This is incredible. I'm going to go buy cute little onesies and set up the nursery and read books about labor and delivery and tell everyone the exciting news!"

Fall:  "Okay, all of the pregnant people I've seen in my life can't possibly have felt as awful as I feel, can they?  This is so hard.  Nausea. Pain.  Blood sugar roller coaster.  Depression.  Is this ever going to end?!"

Atonement:  "Father, help me to keep perspective and view this as a privilege and to rejoice that I get to bring a child into the world.  Help me to let my spirit emanate light in spite of this mortal prison I am in right now."

I love this concept of Creation, Fall, Atonement,  (thanks, Mom, for teaching me about it!) and it has really helped me during the "fall times" to remember that it's an inevitable part of life, and that it is as we overcome those times THROUGH the atonement, that we find true joy.

So, Monday was definitely a fall day  (That would be day #-1 of this look up/find the joy quest, which was part of the impetus for the whole idea).  Kyle had left, and all the excitement about moving and getting here and seeing family and having fun was totally gone and I was back in the trenches of parenthood.  My kids were grouchy and defiant, suffering from a severe vacation overdose, and I was looking at a looming summer ahead with no money, no structure, no friends, no husband, and no life. I worked hard to prepare a family home evening lesson that turned out to be a total bomb, bedtime was a fight, and everything was a fight.  I was discouraged and feeling like this would be the longest summer of my life.

So, once I recognized that I was in "the fall" phase of this, and I decided to look up.  I plead for help in establishing a routine and being able to re-approach parenthood and figure out how to discipline away from home and away from Kyle, etc.  Since then, I've been trying to determine our priorities and establish some ground rules and a schedule that will work for this unique period of time.  I read in Exodus 25-30 the very specific and detailed instructions that the Lord gives to Moses about how to build the tabernacle and how to ordain priests and how to offer sacrifices, and felt an impression that the Lord could give specific instruction to me too, about the details of my life. I've been trying to ask for guidance and to listen to the promptings that come.

And today, after almost a week of working at it, I felt like things are starting to fall into place.  We're getting into a groove.  We have a bedtime, a wake-up time, a time for family scripture study, time to be outside and get exercise,  and 30 minutes where I'm helping Ethan learn how to read and get excited for school in the fall.  Jake gets an hour nap--no more no less--so that he won't fall apart at 5:30 but yet will also actually go to bed at 8:30.  I have felt inspired to discipline actually MORE, but sooner and calmer and things have been SO much better.  My kids are learning the boundaries and I'm actually having to enforce the rules less as I immediately render simple consequences for crossing them.  So I guess that means that I am in a new creation phase!  (watch out, that means "the fall" is just around the corner...) 

I feel joy in knowing that God really does know me and He cares about the details of my life.  He wants to help me.  I know that He will rain down the manna we need as we travel through this wilderness--during this particular transition, and for the rest of our lives.

 and if you need a good laugh today, to remember you're not the only one who has ever been in "the fall," check this out)

Day #4. Zumba and Clean Bathrooms

So I got a rec center pass for me and the boys so we can do some fun things during our time here.  I am totally loving Zumba.  It's  workout class where you dance to latin music and I'm not very good at it, but I am having a ball.  And that is where I found joy today.  I haven't always been able to enjoy things that I'm not very good at, but I feel like I'm learning how.  I wasn't comparing myself to other people or setting a goal of how good I have to get at it before I can relax and have fun.  I was just spinning all over the place trying to keep up and feeling grateful to be having so much fun while getting good exercise. And man, I'm sore in muscles I didn't know I even had. :)

Also, I had a monumental moment.  I cleaned a bathroom today (2 actually) and it wasn't my nasty bathroom in my apartment!!!  It's such a silly thing, but it honestly dragged me down every time I cleaned our bathroom because it never looked any better after I was done!  The caulking was still nasty, the paint splatters were still on the faucet, the perma stains on the mirror never went away, and the I still knew that there was hair underneath the last layer of paint on the walls.  Blech.  Today, the floors gleamed after I mopped them, the mirrors sparkled, and I felt like I had actually accomplished something.  Woo hoo!!! 


"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."    Which is really great when you do the nasty first and then move to the nice.  Oh, and did I mention that I have enough counter space to put my hair dryer, my brush, and my curling iron on the counter at the same time?!?! And that I can plug 2 appliances in at the same time?!?!  I'm in the lap of luxury, I know.

Day #3. The hole in the fence.

So there was a huge windstorm yesterday that blew two planks right out of my parent's fence in their backyard. Ethan thought it was pretty cool--and when I told him to be careful if he went outside because he might blow away, he actually squinted his eyes and studied me to detect whether I was kidding or not.  Ha.

Anyway, my parents have granted permission to the neighborhood kids to cut through their yard as a shortcut, so occasionally I see random teenagers walking into or out of their yard.  Today, while I was at the kitchen sink, there was a shaggy-haired boy, probably about 15, who kept fidgeting with the gate latch, unable to get it open.  I could tell he was getting embarrassed and a little bit flustered.  As he looked up, presumably to see whether he was being mocked, he noticed, to his surprise, the huge hole in the fence, about 20 feet down, from where the wind had knocked the planks out. He looked around for a second, as if to make sure no one was watching (which was hilarious because I could see the whole thing and he had no clue), and then abandoned the gate latch and just slipped right through the hole in the fence and onto wherever he was going.

I'm not sure why that incident made me smile so much, but every time I have thought of it today I just get giggly inside.  Is it because there is humor in the idea that we think other people can't see us even when they can?  Is it just funny to see someone struggle with something simple because I have been in that situation so many times?  Maybe I just love the moment of decision, where he seemed to be determining whether it would be "cheating" to give up on the latch and just take the easy way.  But why mess with an annoying latch when you can just walk through a hole in the fence, right?  I guess I can't explain it.  It's just funny to me.

So there you have it.  A silly little thing I found on my joy hunt today.

Maybe next time I find myself getting flustered over a problem I will think of that kid I saw today and remind myself to step back, LOOK UP, and take a different approach. Maybe there will be a ridiculously simple solution right in front of my face... :)

Look Up. Find the Joy. Day #2.

Parachute Packers.

It's nice to wake up early sometimes and get a start on the day before the craziness begins.  I've done that the last few days. But it was so great this morning to hear the boys wake up while I was still laying in bed and have them come snuggle under the covers with me and tell me about their dreams as we giggled ourselves awake.  Those days when they were teeny and I had been up feeding them all night and I thought I was going to DIE of sleep deprivation?  Well, they were worth it.  Even just for that 10 minutes.  :)

Also, I found joy in feeling gratitude for my "parachute packers."  Go read this article for a more detailed explanation of what that means, but basically a Vietnam War fighter pilot one day got to meet the sailor who had packed his parachutes years ago and it really made him think about all the people in his life who worked
to do amazing things for him that he may not ever have thanked or even noticed.   

He says:   

"How about the person who helped you learn to read? To ride a bicycle? To hit a baseball? What about the adults who volunteered in youth groups in which you were involved? The person who gave you a recommendation for college, or the person who helped to get you in the door for a job interview?
There are many parachute packers in our lives. Spouses, parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors and friends. Mothers who packed our lunches every day and carefully washed and prepared our clothes for school. Fathers who worked longer hours or took a second job so that we could have music or dance lessons. Grandparents who helped us pay for college education. They all labored tirelessly, packing our parachutes."

So the first time I thought about that idea today was this morning when my blood sugar was low-- and instead of eating crusty, old, glucose tablets that have been in the car for at least a year (like I have been since we moved a month ago), I went out to the fridge and had some chilled apple juice that Kyle had specifically bought for me and thought to even refrigerate as a nice favor before he left.  It was just a little bitty nice thing to do, but it put a giant smile on my face, even while I was lightheaded and anxious. It's really neat to be the beneficiary of some else's thoughtfulness.


A little while later, as I was doing laundry, I decided to fold a load of my mom's since she was at work.  I can't tell you how great it felt to be doing her laundry!  After 7 years of marriage and 2 kids I have a totally different appreciation for all of the clothes my mom washed and folded for me while I was off taking piano lessons and playing soccer and running student council meetings.  I felt a surge of gratitude for all of the mundane and yet incredibly important and meaningful little tasks my mom did for me while I was growing up.  

She packed a lot of parachutes for me.  :)   
So today I found joy in folding one teeny load of laundry for her.  

Look Up. Find the Joy. The 40 Day Journey.

Okay, I think this is going to be kind of fun.

Well, let me explain first.  My husband started his first day of work on Monday (I still can't believe we're finally done with school!) and we decided to have me and the boys stay in Utah with my parents for a month and a half or so while Kyle saves up a few paychecks and then we'll join in at the beginning of August.  I'm imagining that we are back in days of the wild frontier and he is going alone, to tame the prairie and build a place for us, and then he'll send for me once he gets our little home with a white picket fence all set up.  ha.  But we do feel good about doing things this way and I know everything will work out and that the time we'll pass and we'll get through it.  I am a little bit concerned, though, that this summer is going to get LONG and HOT and that I will get tired of not being in my real life with a real schedule and a real husband and that I will get burned out of parenting and the limbo time of this transition.

So, while I am seeing things clearly, I've decided to begin a little adventure.  I realized that we have about 40 days (or so) to be here, and that seems to be a great amount of time to experience real spiritual growth, so I'm going to try something.  I'm going to see if I can find at least one way, every day, to really look up and find the joy.  And then, even if it's just one sentence, I will post a daily telling of my discoveries.

To me, this will be more than just an exercise in positive thinking.  "Looking up" doesn't just mean looking on the bright side.  It means pointing our eyes toward Heaven, toward God, and praying for the eyes to SEE how He is blessing us and tailoring our experiences to our needs.  And "finding the joy" is more than just focusing on something good that happened that day--it is gathering the good, the bad, and the ugly all together and finding ways to rejoice that we get to experience the whole thing.  Not joy in spite of the hard stuff, but because of it, and through it. Well, that's some lofty philosophy.  Now we'll see how well I can do.  :)  Here goes...

So today is Look Up.  Find the Joy.  #1:

 I found joy today as I reflected on my "reading time" with Ethan.  I'm really trying to dedicate time to help Ethan learn to dig in and painstakingly sound out words.  He is not loving it, and is not exactly catching the vision that I have for him, but he is making some progress and I just know that he is going to feel ecstatic when he figures it out and starts being able to read things by himself!!  I am so excited for him to get the hang of words and sentences and then be able to read books and LEARN stuff and KNOW things and read the scriptures and write things down... Reading will unlock a new world of possibilities for him.  I see it so clearly, but he doesn't really have any way to understand that yet.
As I pondered about all that tonight, I realized that God feels the same way about me.  Spiritually, I am still learning--and  trying to figure out what love is and how to express it better, and why I shouldn't covet and how I can really access the power that is available to me through focused prayer and scripture study, etc.    I wonder if the gap between my potential and my actual ability is frustrating to Him at times and He wishes He could somehow help me to see what is possible if I would just come to Him.  And yet, because of the way I love Ethan and the joy that I feel from just watching him sound out the word "help" all by himself, I caught a glimpse today of the vision the Lord has for me and who I can become if I spend a little time each day letting him teach me and putting forth some honest effort to try to understand.  I don't know all that He has in store for His children, but from my limited parental experience, I can guess that we can't even begin to comprehend how incredible the possibilities are.
I found joy today in the thought that God is my teacher, and my friend.  I am just struggling to sound out the words sometimes, but I know that He has plans for me, and that He will patiently walk me through, sentence by sentence, page by page, and that over time the mysteries of His kingdom can be unfolded to me, in ways that are beyond my ability to even imagine.


So there you have it.  Day #1.  Let the journey begin...

The video project in the room of requirement.

Wow, that was fun. 

Last night I got to work on a little filming project for a medley of pioneer hymns that I arranged.  We've been up in Rexburg this week, hanging out with my my husband's family, and this is also where we went to college, at BYU-Idaho.  I've been trying to concoct a plan for how to get a video of me singing this arrangement so that I can share it with people for the 24th of July, but my list of assets doesn't include even a hay penny right now, so we had to get creative. Anyway, I found a student from BYU-Idaho majoring in communications who agreed to shoot the song, both of us viewing it as a free opportunity to get experience and share a message of faith. 

It turned out to be a bit tricky to nail down a location since all the best pianos on campus can only be reserved by real music department people (shucks, I'm a has been!), so we decided to meet up at a certain room in the student center that has a grand piano (that I was 70 % sure would be locked) and then just see what we could find.  We got there, and of course the room was locked.  A few other options in that building were being used by other groups. Okay.  I know this is going to work, but how?!

Well, I've been reading in Exodus about the children of Israel, and I have really been trying to be less whiny and murmury than they were on their journey.  You know, every time they run up against an obstacle of any sort (huge ocean in the way, no water, no food, etc.) they start to freak out and basically say, "Moses, why did you even bring us here?  It would have been better to be slaves in Egypt still, rather than die here in the wilderness."  Whenever I read their story, since of course I know how it ends, I think, "Come on, people!  Have a little faith!  God is going to PART the Red Sea, and he's going to rain food down from the sky for 40 years, so stop having a conniption.  It's all going to work out."  So last night, as I started to get anxious and wonder how and where we were going to shoot this video, I thought of those whiny children of Israel and caught myself before I started to complain. Instead, I said, "Okay, Lord. You have brought me this far.   We've got a website.  We've got a blog. We've got an arrangement.  We've got a message worth sharing.  We've got a camera, some mics, a lighting kit, and two people who want to share the gospel through music.  Now all we need is a room with a piano that we can use." 

I went back upstairs where we had been looking, but this time into a new hallway that hadn't been built yet when I was a student here.  I kept walking, and looking in rooms, and as I got to the last door,  I knew somehow: This is going to be it.  I opened the door to a room that said "Special Events," and then found myself in a room with 2 huge walls of curtains, a nice plant, and a gorgeous grand piano gleaming at me.  And it wasn't even locked!  Have you read the Harry Potter books? I totally felt like I was at Hogwarts and I had walked into the "room of requirement!"  Seriously, I imagined in my mind what kind of room we would need to shoot the video, and when I walked in, everything we needed was right there! 

So anyway, I don't mean to overdramatize the whole thing, but I really do believe in miracles, however small, and I know that God can plant ideas in our minds or give us power beyond our own to help us get through whatever obstacles are blocking our path.  And for me, in the moment of solution to the problems, I see the hand of the Lord and I know that He is aware of me. I felt that last night.  I think it happens more often than I realize, and I'm praying for the eyes to be able to see it.

This is what's in my heart about this whole project, and all of the other crazy musical adventures I undertake:

Alma 26:30, 35-37
30  ...and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some.
35    Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36    ...for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God, who has been mindful of this people, who are a branch of the tree of Israel, and has been lost from its body in a strange land; yea, I say, blessed be the name of my God, who has been mindful of us, wanderers in a strange land.
37    Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.


I'm excited to see how the video turns out!
I'll let you know when it's done!

Em

The charityistics (as antidotes for misery)

Have we talked about the charityistics?  That's what I call the list of descriptors from Moroni 7:45--"Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things."

Well, that scripture is a bit overwhelming to me because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be all of those things.  That's why I like to break it down into bite-size chunks and focus on one attribute, or "charityistic" at a time.  I can try to be kind today, and try not to envy tomorrow, and just take things one day at a time. 

As I have pondered about what it really means to suffer long and to not be easily provoked and all the rest, God has taught me some amazing things. Sometimes when I am frustrated or struggling and I can't figure out why, He teaches me that a simple application of one of these charitystics is the antidote to my unhappiness.  Here's an example:

Several weeks after my oldest son was born, I still felt so weak and tired and like I would never be able to physically handle anything again.  We went for a short walk down to a nearby park and when I couldn't even it make it back up the hill I was so angry inside!  I grumbled to myself: "I want my body back!!  This is taking too long!"  When I got home I was musing over my bad attitude in the shower and was honestly trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time.
And then I heard this in my mind:  "Charity suffereth long, Em." 

"What? Suffereth long? 
Oh.  Like even longer than I already have.
Okay... I guess I can do that."

"This is a child of God you have brought into the world.  And yeah, it's been rough for a lot of months and now several weeks. But you can suffer longer.  There is eternal significance and value to this."

"Alright. Charity suffereth long.  Longer.  Charity suffereth long."

I found more joy in motherhood during the days following that discovery.  As I really focused on it, and prayed for help, I felt happier, and strengthened in my quest to suffer longer for an eternal, worthwhile, cause.

So, right now life is a bit wild and we are transitioning from Indiana to Colorado and visting and living with lots of family.  We are mostly loving it, and trying to be flexible and embrace the chaos and just enjoy our time.  But occasionaly, when things get too crowded or too complicated or too crazy, and I feel like my kindness is getting wrung out, the Spirit will whisper to my mind:

"Charity seeketh not her own. Charity seeketh not her own.  Don't get all focused on your self and your own needs.  Zoom out for a minute and see the whole picture."

And then I pray that I will be able to stop seeking my own and seek the needs of someone else in the equation instead.  And soon my perspective is renewed and my cup overflows with joy again. It's kind of amazing, actually.

So, whatever emotional soup you are cooking these days, if it feels like it's about to boil over, try adding a little dash of a charitiyistic. Pick any one you like.  And then pray that He will help you live it, even for just 5 minutes.  Maybe it will help you look up and find the joy today.   :)